A Broken Heart Mended and Lessons on Grief

4.14.08. My sweet twins due date lost to a partial molar pregnancy.

No FHB. Thats pretty much the worst thing an expecting mother can see written across the ultrasound screen. I found out quickly that it stood for "No Fetal Heartbeat." Those initials and the silence in the doctors room were the only things I needed to know to figure out what had happened. I remember just a stinging emotion in my heart and my body just filled with heat. Minutes blurred by and everything the doctor said just bounced off me as I starred at a chair for about an hour. Tim's voice echoed in my head as he called my mother and said, "Jen had a miscarriage..."
It's weird to think that if everything had worked out that I would have a set of 1 year old twins today....
God had other plans.....you see, the day our due date passed last year, we found out 3 days later that I was 4 weeks pregnant with Mackenzie. Although, the void was not filled of losing those babies, the void of wanting to have another child was filled and I started to feel joy again. Funny how God works. Even though Mackenzie had a twin that we lost early on as well, I never once have been upset about that...you see, I have realized that I am lucky that God would bless me with just another healthy baby. What more can a mother pray for? I was not selfish to think that I "deserved" two.
I think these events over the past year have finally come full circle for me. Mackenzie technically wouldn't be here if I had carried those twins.....and now I can't imagine my life without her. As I pass a 1 year anniversary of that whole miscarriage nightmare, I sit and stare at my 4 month old baby. It's easy to see things retrospectively.
I am by no means an expert on grief, but here are some things that I personally learned grieving the loss of babies through miscarriage....

1. Say something, anything, even if it might be the wrong thing...... it hurt me more when people ignored what had happened over someone saying something maybe a little insensitive. A safe choice is always, "I am sorry for your loss." Anything acknowledging their loss is good.
2. Avoid statements like, "Everything happens for a reason" and "You'll have another baby"......I know things do happen for a reason and people will probably have another baby, but the reality is that you wanted THAT baby you were carrying and for it to work out.
3. Avoid asking people, "When are you going to have a baby? When are you going to get pregnant again?" Everyone heals at different times, and you never know....infertility is so high that it could take a while and you could also be asking someone that who has been trying for a long time.
4. Send a card, email, or call. We received 30 cards, numerous emails, calls, and meals brought by. It was so comforting to know other people cared we were hurting and were making gestures to reach out to us. One card I read over and over simply said, "Long before we're ready, we sadly say goodbye. But there are those in a far more beautiful place who are saying, "welcome home."
5. I don't know why, but music and lyrics often are healing for some. The song, "Realize" by Colby Caillat for some reason was all i listened to. Tim calls it my sad song, and I know its not even a christian song, but for some reason I loved it and it was healing.

Okay, that is all. I know there is a lot more, but those are lessons my sweet angel babies help me learn. I feel as if me sharing what I learned helps me feel as if their short little lives mattered and can somehow help others.
While I did not get to be their mommy here on Earth, they are all with their perfect heavenly Father and for that I rejoice that Jesus is the giver of life.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you...Let not your heart be troubled." John 14:27
Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal - Thomas Moore

Last of Easter

We had a great Easter weekend...we went to the Northpoint Community Church for the Easter service on Friday night with all the tornadoes, got to sit next to Andy Stanley and his DAD was a few seats down (Dr. Charles Stanley)! No, we aren't special....we were just literally the last people in the service because we were in duck and cover in the hallway with our kids and some man came up and told us he had us some seats. Way cool. Anyway, we dyed eggs, and had lunch with my parents, dinner with tims. We had so much fun celebrating our risen Savior!

Egg Party

2 year olds Interpretation of Easter

Me: "David, we are going to church tonight to celebrate Jesus and the Easter weekend. Are you excited to go to church?"
David: "yeah..."
Me: "What are you going to do at church?"
David: "I share crayons with Jesus."
Me: "Oh, that will be nice...Is Jesus just at church?"
David:" No, he's at home."
Me: "oh, well what's he doing there?"
David looking at me like I am an idiot...."He's...he's...he's playing toys!"

Obviously, he has it totally figured out! Apparently I am the one that needs to be educated!

Happy Easter!

Here are a few pics from the past week!! Our neighborhood had a huge Easter Party for the kids so that was fun! David obviously liked the real bunny better than the Easter bunny (can you tell by his face?), but at least we had no tears like with Santa! And I had Mackenzie's 3 month picture made in her christening/baby dedication dress :) We are looking forward to a fun Easter weekend with our families.