Burn the Boats

I am starting to love our story. For a long time, I wished it was someone else's story. The things I love about it are what we have learned through hardship. God has become real and alive to us.  I think my takeaways are: perseverance, hard work, commitment, risk management, and above all else, spontaneity.
That would sum up our story, I think.

Young, stupid, and reckless? Maybe. We have heard that at almost every risk we have taken. I remember the first time I heard that at 18 when I met Tim on the 3rd day of college....."It's dumb to date someone right when you start college, you just got here. What are you going to do? Date him for 4 years?"
"Why yes. Yes I will." And I did. And I married him.
I could list out the other ridiculous decisions we have made, but this post would be too long.

Here is a post back from when we hit rock bottom here, here, and oh... here again.

I am so proud of Tim for following his dreams, not giving up, and working hard despite failure. We have been blessed to have mentors in our life since college. Tim has been mentored for the past 3 years by a man we met when we were at another rock bottom point after losing it all, after we started over. We had just barely gotten back on our feet, Tim finished HVAC school, we renovated a house we bought for $40,000 that was 800 square feet, and we were getting traction. His first job in the industry was making $10 an hour and working insane amounts, he was the lowest man on the totem pole. He did this for 2 years.  And 3 years ago, he was told there was no more work there. At this low point, this man who stepped in our life and started mentoring Tim got him and interview and Tim landed a commercial HVAC job. It was a turning point for us again.

This man not only helped Tim into the commercial industry, but pushed him into pursuing after his long term goal. 3 years ago, it seemed silly. Tim wanted to have his own HVAC company. It was a silly thought from what we had just walked through. And too "big picture" for me at the moment. I just wanted a minute of stability before we chased the next dream. He didn't want to just work for himself, but start an actual company and fleet of trucks.
And we got that stability and owned it for 3 years. About a year ago, Tim started lining things up to have his own company. We saved. He studied. He read 1,000 books. He signed himself up to take the State Licensing Exam. In order to have your own company, there is a state exam you have to take.
Tim took that test back in the fall and passed. Our dream became a little more real.

Following that, we spent the remainder of 2014 doing research, making a plan, and doing about 1,000 logistical paperwork duties. Summit was the name we kept landing on. We had to register it, buy the website, get licensed, insured, branded, and file papers with the city. We became a train in full force. Tim told his current employer and they were gracious to let him stay and keep working. That was a blessing because we did not want to start until we were ready.

After all the work had been done to launch the company, I think the reality started hitting. Being without a job cuts to our core. We know what it is like to be in a bad spot. It is incredibly hard to willingly and intentionally go back to risking that when you reach a place of stability. We started coming up with Plan B. Safety nets. How could we make ourselves safe? How could we quickly have a "back up" if things didn't work out. These became our conversations.

Tim told his mentor about it and talked through some plans if his business did not make it. And, his mentor told him a little story you might all know:

(Excerpt from www.burningboats.com)



'It was the year 1519 and Hernán Cortés, with some 600 Spaniards, 16 or so horses and 11 boats, had landed on a vast inland plateau called, Mexico.

The Span­ish con­quis­ta­dor and his men were about to embark on a con­quest of an empire that hoarded some of the world’s great­est trea­sure.  Gold, sil­ver and pre­cious Aztec jew­els were just some of what this trea­sure had to offer any­one who suc­ceeded in their quest to obtain it.

But, with only 600 men — none of whom had encum­bered them­selves with pro­tec­tive armour – con­quer­ing an empire so exten­sive in its ter­ri­to­ries could only be under­taken by a man with a death wish.

This dar­ing under­tak­ing was made even more insur­mount­able by the fact that for more than 600 years, con­querors with far more resources at their dis­posal who attempted to col­o­nize the Yucatan Penin­sula, never suc­ceeded.  Hernán Cortés was well-aware of this fact.  And it was for this rea­son, that he took a dif­fer­ent approach when he landed on the land of the Mayans.
Instead of charg­ing through cities and forc­ing his men into imme­di­ate bat­tle, Hernán Cortés stayed on the beach and awoke the souls of his men with melo­di­ous cadences – in the form of embla­zoned speeches.

His speeches were inge­niously designed to urge on the spirit of adven­ture and invoke the thirst of life­times of for­tune amongst his troops.  His ora­tions bore fruit, for what was sup­pos­edly a mil­i­tary exploit, now bore the appear­ance of extrav­a­gant romance in the imag­i­na­tions of Cortés’ troops.

But, iron­i­cally, it would only just be 3 words which Cortés’ mur­mured, that would change the his­tory of the New World.  As they marched inland to face their ene­mies, Cortés ordered, “Burn the boats.”

 

It was a deci­sion that should have back­fired.  For if Cortés and his men were on the brink of defeat, there wasn’t an exit strat­egy in place to save their lives.  Remark­ably though, the com­mand to burn the boats had an oppo­site effect on his men because now, they were left with only 2 choices — die, or ensure vic­tory.  And fight they did.
We know today, how Cortés’ deci­sion to burn his boats panned out.  Hernán Cortés became the first man in 600 years to suc­cess­fully con­quer Mexico.'


So, out the window went our Plan B. We adopted the "Burn the Boats" mentality and went ALL IN. No back up plans. All our energy focused on success and not on an exit strategy. I love it.

We hope you will pray as we embark on this new journey. That we would find favor and have wisdom with what we are doing. Our dream is for a company, not a one man show.  It will start with us and we will grow and hire. We could not be any more in awe of God and how He REDEEMS all the time for us. Where there is risk, there is loss, but where there is loss, there is redemption.

If you are not seeing God's hand in your life, it could possibly be you are living too safe. That you have it all under control. The areas where we have seen God the most are the areas that we have completely lost our minds and taken a huge risks. God loves it when people need Him. Let Him be the Father that He is.

I am thankful for all the support we have already had. I am grateful for this opportunity, and praise God that the American Dream is still alive and well.

 Way to go Tim, and Happy Birthday Summit Heating and Air!!! Lets do this!!

www.summitheatingandair.com

Does anyone else love that Summit is Timmus backwards? I now call Tim, Timmus. Don't look back!



Logo/Branding by Greg Sykes.

A Birthday Wish:: 33 Years Old

Its rare that I remember my dreams. I know I have them. But, unless I recall or tell someone immediately, it is as if it never happened. Isn't that weird how we forget some so fast? Its like there is a block and you cannot recall it. Mine last night was as real and clear as if it were real life. Never had such a vivid dream before.

9 years ago this month we were announcing to our family we were going to be parents! David was on his way... Motherhood has been such an incredible journey. However, adoption takes Motherhood to an entire different ball game. It has been one of the most challenging things I have ever done being a mother to a child who did not have a mother for 7 years. So hard, that sometimes I am in complete shock of what I actually have done and committed to. Why in the world did I think I could absolutely do this? What "qualifies" me to handle it, know what to do, and just expect everything will turn out okay? I have never doubted Zach was 100% the child for our family, but I constantly question my ability and strength to raise him.

I see a lot of ugliness in myself sometimes parenting a child that is hard. Some days I wonder if I will burn out. I question what I was thinking taking a child with special needs that I knew nothing about. Not knowing what true disability he even actually has. I need a reset button on myself some days. I can carry a heavy load that is not mine to carry. This mama can feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders to get it right, know what to do, and fix it.

The truth I am brought to time and time again is that the Lord is the only one who can completely heal this boy. I am a steward of him and my other children. I can do everything I can as a mother, but the Lord is the one who sets the lonely in families, heals, restores, gives wisdom, and never-ending hope.

And I have to remind myself this all the time. Since our One Year Into Adoption, I have felt similar to what Jen Hatmaker says about the beginning of the Second Year. We have made it through so much, yet there is still a laundry list of things I am trying to "ramp myself up for" to tackle next. It gets overwhelming. I hit a mental wall and exhaustion. I question all of the ways in which we push him to his max.

What if he grows up and hates us? What if we don't even make it to that because he did burn us and the entire house down? (Its kind of a sick joke we say here because in all of our trainings, the example always used was 'the kid who burned his house down').

God met me in a really neat place last night. Not being able to shake my heavy heart about next steps for him and more action to come, I fell asleep.

I had a vivid dream. It was so real. And here is what happened:

 

 

Tim and I were in our 40's and visiting Zach at college. We had just finished a meal with him and were getting ready to tell him bye. He was very tall, still very blonde, his beautiful blue eyes, slim, muscular and athletic. He was wearing a dark blue short sleeve polo shirt. Being the same type of mom I am now, I fix a few pieces of hair and the cuff of his sleeve. In a typical college like attitude, Zach said, "I gotta go now mom, I gotta go! Love you." He ran to catch up with friends. He was as normal as any kid I had ever seen. Confident. Happy. Care free. A child no one would ever thought had been abandoned, abused, and left in an orphanage, and deemed special needs. And living life to its max like it all never even happened. A new story written for him. The most beautiful sight. 

 

I woke up thinking we had time warped exactly 10 years. As soon as I realized we had not... I burst into tears. My dream assured me one thing: We indeed did not get burned down in our house.

Im kidding. That did cross my mind, but in my heart I felt the complete peace of God and Him say, "I got this. He is going to be okay."

 

I can't tell you how real and how completely changed I feel. God tries to get a message to you over and over and over and then finally with me, I think He came in my dreams. He really does have this and I really in my heart believe Zach is going to be okay. And not just okay...

Made New. Made Whole.

 

And although that exact dream may not relive itself in 10 years (how awesome and weird if it does though, right?) the message that God wanted me to know is that He has me, my marriage, this child, all my children, our future plans..... all of it. All of it in His hands.

 

And, its going to be okay. Thank you Lord for the best birthday gift I think I have gotten.

Praying this encourages all parents to all stages of where your children are today.



Six.

6 Years ago I came to know God in an even deeper way. And it was through this child. While I thought God was just building our family, He had major faith, trust, and work in our hearts He wanted to do as well. He did both and I am forever grateful.

On the kids birthdays, I reflect back, look through photos, and always give gratitude. We are just stewards of these lives. They are not "mine", but the Lords and their journey to us is our testimony. To Him be the Glory for their lives and ours.

These sweet miracle was born 6 years ago today...

Mackenzie Leigh Willis. 12.18.08 7lbs 11 oz 

A few of my all time favorites...

Her cheeks...

Her little petite self...

Her ponytail...

...And just like that she became a kindergartener this year.

 Wow, that was fast huh? I started this blog when David was 2 so I have been so thankful to go back and see and read about how we blinked through the years.  Maybe someday our kids will read it, maybe they won't, maybe I will delete the entire thing one day. Just kidding, but it has served as a great mile marker for us and I love that.

6. SIX. Six Years Old.
There is something so big about it. 5 sounds so young, but SIX sounds so old.

Each of our children have come to us in such a special way. Mackenzie brings me deep joy. I don't know if I have ever shared about my time with her, but it explains a lot about my joy for her.

I meet people now in this season of life and our life seems very glittery. No one knows Zach is adopted. And people will say, "Wow!! Lucky you! A kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grader! You guys just sailed through that!"

No, no we did not. Funny how I could just paint it like that, right?

We were pregnant with Mackenzie after a terrible miscarriage that followed David. It was one at 12 weeks and molar tissue was found from my miscarriage. I went from being almost in my 2nd trimester to being told I needed come in the next morning for a D & C and then to come in weekly for 6 months to make sure my levels were normal because molar tissue can be cancerous. And we were not to get pregnant until cleared. At the end of the 6 months we were clear and nothing ever came from that tissue. My arms were covered in needle marks from all the blood drawn those very long 6 months. It was hard to go mentally from pregnancy to awaiting cancer results. And I wondered if David would be an only child. When we were given the "all clear", we immediately found out I was expecting. They wanted to monitor me closely following that miscarriage so I went in early.

God bless sonographers. They were at times my worst enemy. The questions they ask I quickly learned were not good.
"Do you have a history of twins?" She asked.
"My grandmother is an identical twin." I said.
"Well, you have 2 babies here. Fraternal."

Tim and I couldn't believe it. I don't remember a lot about that time other than shock. They wanted me to come back around 8 weeks to check them out. On my next visit, the sac each baby was in had grown. I saw a little heartbeat in one and the other seemed to have a baby, but no fluttering.

At this point, time would only tell. If the other baby was just behind and would catch up and grow. Or if that baby was not going to make it. There was concern about Mackenzie (the little heart beating twin), that her heartbeat was too low.

They decided on this visit to have me wait until 12 weeks. So 4 very long weeks later, we went in to see that Mackenzie seemed to be doing fine, but the other baby did not make it. I did not know what this would mean, but basically from 12 weeks until 20 weeks, I miscarried that twin while remaining pregnant with Mackenzie.

It was a time of blind faith because I had no idea daily if I was still really pregnant with Mackenzie or if she was okay. I did not want to get too many ultrasounds, so I just waited it out. I felt pregnant and kept getting bigger, but still miscarrying as well. It was a weird time. I remember telling some lady that asked me if I was expecting one day, "I just don't know....okay?!!!" Other people did a good job of reading the, "Leave Me Alone" vibe that was plastered across my face during that season.

There was a song I heard at church one service. I felt it was written for me. I sang it my whole pregnancy and probably the first 6 months of Mackenzies life. Written by Mercy Me, these words were my heart. And this baby was my tiny offering.

Who are we--- that You would be mindful of us?
What do You see--- that's worth looking our way?
We are free--- in ways that we never should be.
Sweet release--- from the grip of these chains.

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing.

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel, God with us.

My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel, God with us.

Lord, You know--- our hearts don't deserve Your glory;
Still You show--- a love we cannot afford.

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing.

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel, God with us.

My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel, God with us.

Such a tiny offering
Compared to Calvary;
Nevertheless,
We lay it at Your feet.

Such a tiny offering
Compared to Calvary;
Nevertheless,
We lay this at Your feet.

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel, God with us.

My heart sings a brand new song.
My debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel, God with us.

I made it to the 20 week mark and I felt a peace that day. I went in to be told I had a perfectly healthy baby girl due on Christmas Day. I think I cried for the next 10 weeks.

We decided the pregnancy had been hard enough and induced her at 39 weeks exactly one week before her due date. There were concerns about her placenta placement because it was attached lower because of the other twin. I was just ready to meet my baby and didn't want any more surprises.

The joy I had when I met Mackenzie was indescribable. I felt I had lost her so many times. I lost part of her and she lost her little sibling, but I couldn't believe her life was saved. She was such a gift. Her pregnancy changed me. You do get over stuff like this, but you learn a new normal. The wounds are healed, but there are scars. My scars remind me of places that God kept me going. He just kept us moving forward. One day we will tell Mackenzie she had a twin, a long time from now.

Mackenzie was definitely born for a reason. We say jokingly she has the power of 2. I can't even describe her. She is a go-getter, fun-loving, leader, out-going, empathetic, loving, imaginative, creative, silly, passionate, and petite little girl. She is everything I ever dreamed having a little girl would be like.

Mackenzie's teacher wrote this about her and it is so true,
"She is a great role model for how to be responsible and independent student (especially during phonics and sight words) Also, she can find anything we think we may have lost."

Mackenzie has my photographic memory so between both of us, we can find anything :)

We are blessed to have Mackenzie. We are reminded what a gift she is. Her life was on purpose. Our time praying for her started before she ever was born. She is such a fantastic sister and I love her relationship with both of her brothers. She craves their attention and she loves what they love. She wants Davids approval and she loves teaching Zach.

I love you, Mackenzie. I love your smile, laugh, your little scenes and toys you set up all over the house, your confidence, your desire to tell everyone you meet everything, and your heart. Your sweet and tender heart that loves other people and sees a need and wants to help. I believe Mackenzie has a relationship with Jesus and she is a prayer. She will stop and pray and I hear her in her room at night.  I know we will be close like I am with my own mother. She is a blessing we thank God for all the time.

Mackenzie is getting her 1st American Girl doll and we are doing the restaurant and the whole 9 yards.  She has always loved dolls and babies. I think she is finally ready for one.... 2 years ago she was still cutting their hair and putting makeup on them :) I can't wait for this next year with her as she keeps coming into her own little person.

Happy Birthday Mackenzie!!!

Adoption :: 1 Year Later

Our GOTCHA day isn't quite as romantic as most peoples..... in fact, we will probably just celebrate Zach's finalization day, Aug. 13, because that was so monumental going to court, getting his new name (middle and last name) and then celebrating.
Our GOTCHA day was messy. We had been visiting Zach quite a while in his orphanage. We had to abide by DFACS visitation and did day visits first, an overnight visit, weekend visitation, and so on. Something of course was holding up the final move out, but we managed to have him for 10 straight days over last years Thanksgiving. Then, unfortunately, we had to return him. I hated that weekend.
It made no sense, no common sense, to be forced to take him back. But, we had to. There was a hold up in his paperwork for permanent placement and it was one of the worst drop offs we had, for me and for him. It felt mean. I feel like we were adding more trauma to the little guys life. I had it out with DFACS and everyone I could call and finally a few days later, on December 4, 2013, we picked Zach up for the last time. And this time he didn't go back.
It took him a long time to understand that. For several months any time we would get in the car, he would get anxious, ask where we were going, and go into his self coping talks and tell himself, "It's okay, Zach. You are with your family forever. You are staying here."
Ugh. It broke my heart.

So, you might be able to see why we probably won't celebrate our GOTCHA day. The place that we got him from is not a life we want him to continually remember and think about every year. There are so many new things for Zach to understand, including all of the holidays and especially his birthday, that we will just recognize his adoption finalization day.

There are things for us that are very difficult to remember about Zach. Which is crazy how far he has come. It seems surreal. I tell people this often, but God had "blinders" on us when we met Zach. He had to of. There is no way in our right minds that we could see straight during that. We had complete blind hope and faith that the child we met was not going to be the child he stayed. We did accept it though.... we accepted him at his worst and that was tough.

I wish we had a pretty story.... that 1 year later our life is just complete, perfect, and we are the happiest we have ever been. And that adoption is beautiful and our hearts burst with joy every morning. I could tell you that, and you might believe me, but its not quite accurate.

I will tell you these truths though. Zach is a changed kid. Zach is a child that is healing continually. The sky is truly the limit for him. Zach still perplexes every medical professional that sets eyes on him because he is a domestic institutionalized orphan and those aren't supposed to exist anymore. Zach continually does things people said that he couldn't. Zach is attached, bonded, and loves being in our family. He talks about each family member and he is obsessed with David and Mackenzie. Zach, from the outside looking in, is a normal little boy who is super adorable and easily warms up. Zach is strong willed. He has started having opinions, arguing, whining, crying, complaining, expressing thoughts, ideas, asking questions, laughing a lot, getting jokes, playing games..... none of those things a year ago. It looks much like a 2 year old at times watching him learn to have self control. He is smart. He is reading and writing and able to do most all of the 1st grade curriculum. He went from not interacting with peers at all to now he is very much attune to his peers and seeking relationships with them.

We are a better family. Tim and I parent all three kids so different now, so much better. When you have a child from trauma, you do things different. I think the past year we have been in lockdown at our home and not had time for anything else. We went "all in" and as our small group leader said, "our rally cry" was to integrate Zach into our family and school.

School was the hardest part of this year. We love our neighborhood public school and moved here because of it, but immediately faced challenges when we adopted Zach. We dealt with many difficult outside people, high up people within our district, and even other parents. We adored the teachers and staff, but could not get our district to get on board with helping him. We simply wanted Zach to be in a general ed classroom with services and accommodations. We were forced to stand up for him in a very public way and pave a path for him and because of this battle..... it was well worth it.

I am happy to report, Zach is now in a general ed 1st grade classroom with the services he requires to be successful... and doing very well.  He is learning and growing and acquiring new skills very quickly. He is being treated consistently, carefully, and moving quickly in the right direction. I never saw school being so hard, but I feel as though just as we had to JUMP all in and change Zachs trajectory for the way his life path was headed.... we had to do the same for where his education was headed.

We are proud to be Zachs parents. I knew right away I was made to be this boys mother and had what it took to get his life back (all because of who Jesus called me to be and the tools in which he gave me) I was told some nasty things this year about my new son. Things like:
"We don't have kids like your kid here at our school"
"He is one of those kids from the foster care system, right?"
"If you don't like the way our school is, then get out."
"Do you know that moms requested their children to not be in his class?"
"What's wrong with him?"
"He is probably just autistic."
"That was so nice of yall to adopt him"

To all of those people..... Let me see if I can cover it quick. First, it is not the 1960s.... it is 2014 and if you want to discriminate on who you educate, go right ahead. You will find yourself in court. Public schools educate every race, gender, and disability.  To the other parents campaigning against a 1st grader, Shame on you. And nice people don't adopt. Nice people take cookies to their neighbors.... please don't tell us we are nice. I just can't hear that anymore, I actually don't feel even a little bit nice. Insane might be a better word for us that we felt God called us to adopt a special needs 8 year old. And to everyone else trying to diagnose him, the reason you don't know what's wrong with him is because the child was abandoned by his mother and left in an orphanage until we found him. That's whats wrong with him.

So, how about 2015? This year we have been in the intensive care unit. We have fought. We have gotten messy. We have had to persevere like never before with all systems. We have had to make it work, figure it out, and bust our tails to put one damn foot in front of the other.

And let me tell you. God surrounded us by a community of warriors. Real people. Authentic people. You know who you are. People who gave up every bit of their time and resources to make sure we didn't give up or give in. People who stood right next to me through this, people who reached out to me and just loved us, and again.... all the help that came from every angle. I would need something or some resource and BOOM, we would have it. Texts, emails, and friends fighting on my behalf. I told some of my friends I saw their scary side this year :) We feel loved. We are going to not just make it, but we are going to probably raise some pretty amazing little people because of all of this.  God's people are mighty. And David and Mackenzie have become little champions. I have hardly even posted about either of them and need to dedicate several more posts to them, but they are incredible. They love Zach and are also fiercely protective of him. They sure do know how to love people.

And God was with us in miraculous ways. This isn't the story I thought we would have, but I feel honored that God called me to it. He equips his people, no doubt. He brings in the angel armies when you need them, he gives you strength when you don't have it, and he never ever lets HOPE fade away.

1 Year in the books, Zach. I think we did pretty well. Lets see what the next 12 months will bring us.... we are ready! We pray daily for you, that above all else, your heart would be open to Jesus and he will heal, guide, and protect you in all the ways we can't. You complete our family, Zach, and we love you so much.

I pray all who read this today would love deeply. Is loving those easy to love what love really means? Loving those who are difficult to love and then in return they start to love and reciprocate it.... that is a beautiful love story to me. And that kind of love changes lives.

Adoption: 9 Months In and Finalization

Today, I want to write about the 48 hours before our adoption finalization. Zach, I hope you read this one day. Mommy and Daddy love you. David and Mackenzie are starting to not remember life without you being in ours. We are not perfect and do a lot of things wrong, but I hope when you read this you see that you were loved, fought for, and prayed for by many. We have high expectations for you and can be tough, but we know the normal little boy you were created to be is inside you and we are willing to fight for that.

Much like the show "24", this was the pace and stress we were experiencing. It is still hard for me to even digest, but it happened and it is part of our story.

We have had high highs with this adoption and low lows. We have seen a child change physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally with just some love, a home, a family, and the right resources. It is almost a disturbing science experiment where a child became something he wasn't because of his environment. Everyone has told me to watch the movie, "Nell", but I haven't been able to bring myself to do that. I now firmly believe we are products of our environments and what our exposure is and how God miraculously made our bodies and minds to be resilient and the miracle of healing.

I will write more about our journey as I still process it and the challenges we have had, but we finally finalized. And that in itself proved to be a miracle. You knowing that is the outcome will make it easier than what we went through not knowing that.

Zach was supposed to be an open and shut case. No parental rights. Orphan. Wednesdays Child. His life was broadcasted online and then on the news. Legally free. Unwanted. At 7 years old, no family out of jail or mentally well to care for him.

Department of Family and Children Services (DFCS) and Lutheran Services, who we used as a liaison, were the state involvement with our adoption. We matched with Zach after submitting our home study one year ago. We then began visitation at his orphanage, weekend visits, and then moved him in 9 months ago today. After placement, you have to wait 6 months until finalization for the state to make sure its a good fit for both the child and family. Even after him having no hoops to jump through, we still did not get our finalization date until August 13. This was a huge milestone for us. We have had many many challenges, our primary challenge being his education, but finalizing was going to alleviate a lot of stress. Monthly visits and un-expected visits from DFCS in addition to the same from Lutheran Services, paperwork, permissions, travel letters if we took him out of state, red tape, ect. It is just hard to be in that phase. We were so excited to finalize. To be finished.

I went nuts. I ordered adoption announcements. We planned a huge Habachi dinner. We did a countdown with the kids. We made a big slide show of all our pictures over the past year with Zach. We explained court to them and the judge as they would be up in the front with him. We talked about Zach's past more with David and Mackenzie. We explained to them Zach's name would be forever changed to Willis and we would be given a new birth certificate with mommy and daddys names on it. (That still blows my mind by the way). He is literally given a new life in legal standing. His past records are sealed and not on the record.

I was standing in Publix 48 hours before our court hearing and had just finished ordering Zach's adoption cake. The baker was teary as she was getting my info and asked, "Has it been hard to adopt?" In that moment, I wanted to burst into tears and fall in the floor and tell her about it all. Tell her about his disabilities, his challenges, our inadequacies, how great our God is, the angels who have helped us help him, the really bad people we have encountered with him, how school is not made for foster children with disabilities, how some days I think I have ruined our life, and how then other days I feel like the luckiest person in the world. I wanted to tell her all of that. But, I did not. I said, "It has. But, he is worth it." I left her to make his cake and my phone rang.
Probably the worst phone call an adopting mother can get. It was our adoption attorney.

"Mrs Willis?" in a panicky tone. Yes, I responded.
"Mrs. Willis, I am not sure how to tell you this, but we are having a problem with Zach's paperwork. The law clerk at court has reviewed Zach's papers and it seems there was never a search done to see who Zach's father is. That has to legally be done before adoption can happen. He could have a registered father somewhere."

I got hot. I got really hot. I sat in the middle of Publix on the floor. I asked her what I needed to do.
"Nothing, you can't do anything. We have to get the state to run a "Putative Father Search" and if it comes up clear, you can finalize."

Among the 1 million questions I had, I couldn't speak. The lump was so big in my throat that I literally felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't bring myself to ask what would happen if they did find his father.

I don't remember much after that. I did not cancel my cake order and Im not even sure I bought my cart full of groceries. I just remember going home. I am now seeing that my past loss and my own past trauma compounds when I am hit with more trauma. The sense of loss is so deep and so intense that it magnifies the feeling and makes hope evaporate sometimes.

I called Tim and we learned the following:

If you are a man and have unprotected sex with a woman, you can go register yourself on the Putative Father Registry in your state. That way, if the woman becomes pregnant in the windows of time you were together, you will be contacted. (I was shocked to learn that this process actually exists and also find it a little disturbing as well. Its like a legal "I hooked up with someone page" and here is all the children I might have out there.) As it is not my place to judge, I will move on from that.
When a child is taken out of the home by DFCS or Child Protective Services, a re-unification plan is set up for the child to re-enter the family if it is appropriate. Obviously, for Zach, his family was incarcerated and the biological mother did not know who his father could be. Zach was placed into a state run orphanage and his parental rights were terminated a long time ago. At that time, a Putative Father Search should have been conducted before he was able to be adopted and put on orphan status.
DFCS obviously dropped a huge ball, but it also falls among several other people not catching that in his file before 48 hours before his adoption hearing.

We were mad. We were very sad. We went from planning our forever family party to wrapping our heads around if a father came up on the registry then we would move into a "Contested Adoption" and begin court for that. If the father had his act together, then a re-unification plan would be set up. I wanted to throw up thinking about moving Zach back out. Obviously, this was the worst case scenario for us, but then I had a wave of guilt if there was some amazing dad out there looking for his son.

I quickly learned this is typically VERY unlikely. Unfortunately, children like Zach with a family that has a bad history and the fact he has some special needs, meant that people weren't lining up for him. Either way, we had to wait. We had to get the State Vital Records office to run the search and give it to our attorney. No one would call me or talk to me. They would only deal with the attorney.

24 hours passed. Nothing. We were told the State Vital Records system was down. There was a lady that could run the search manually, but of course she was on vacation that week. Nothing was happening.

That night, I soberly started making cancellations. I did not have any time line of when the search could be done and I was being told our adoption hearing was off the calendar and would be rescheduled later and when they could get the search done and if it came up clear. I told Tim to call our family and cancel our dinner party for the following night and to call Publix and cancel the damn  cake. Our adoption announcements had the next day's date on them and I was about 5 minutes away from throwing them in the trash or setting them on fire and my phone rang. A sweet friend named Meaghan called and said she was taking me out on our adoption night with some girlfriends and we were going to celebrate anyway and Zachs search was going to come up clear. She told me to not touch the announcements because we would figure it out. My mom called and said she would make new labels to go over them. I was emotionally exhausted and too irrational to think about it.

I went to bed. The next morning, I really did wake up feeling God's mercies are new. I sat in my floor and cried as I thought back about how we met Zach, the Sunday church when service I realized what his name meant because of another sweet soul named Bethany, that Zachariah means,"The Lord has Remembered." I just kept saying that over and over. Lord, you have remembered this boy. Today is supposed to be his adoption day. I know you haven't forgotten him. Please help us.

I sent out a massive email. I CC'ed everyone on a DFCS and state level I could about the fact we were supposed to finalize in a few hours and it was all because of a $10 search. I needed to know as soon as possible if there was a father and for someone to do the search.  Here is my letter:

I write to you as a mother this morning and plead for someone to help Zach's finalization today.

I am shocked and saddened that during Zachs termination hearing years ago, a putative father search was never conducted. I am also shocked and saddened that this was not caught until hours before our court hearing that is today at 1:30 in Cobb with Judge Bodiford.

I am not quite sure how such a precious boy has fallen through so many cracks, but that has been his whole life until now. He is 7 and spent 4 of those years in a state run group home. I have no idea how he could be advertised as a "legally free" child and broadcasted on Wednesdays child and then also registered on a state level as legally free, but it seems to me that is putting this child at risk.

We are devastated. Today has been a finish line for our family. For Zach. We had family and friends in town for his court hearing, people rearranging their schedules and requesting off work. A dinner party scheduled for tonight and a cake ordered. I had 150 Adoption announcements printed, sealed, and ready to mail with his adoption day on it that are now close to being of no use. More than all of that, I have tried to explain to Zach and my other 2 children why we aren't celebrating anymore. As you can imagine, this is very confusing for them.

I am heartbroken. I have been told this search can be performed at Vital Records in Atlanta and costs $10, but I myself cannot request it. It takes all of minutes and if no one comes up on the search, we can finalize.

Can't any of you possibly do anything to help us today? Can't someone get on the phone with Vital Records and have them call Cobb law clerk?

It seems this child should no longer suffer from the mistakes of others.

Please let me know as soon as you can as we are all still on standby for our hearing.....

 

 

 All I know is that after my letter, prayers, and God moving mountains, I got a call at 12:10 saying that the search was done, there was no father, and we were finalizing in a little over an hour. The search came up empty. There was no one registered. Zach was legally adoptable. Luckily, my best friend Jessica, was already at my house and would you know she had brought a dress to wear to our court hearing. Its like she just knew God was going to come through. Tim happened to be working right in Marietta as well. We ripped the kids out of school, Jessica helped me dress them for court, and we called whatever family and friends could bust over to the courthouse. My sweet friend Erin came and took pictures.... and we made it.

I can't say this is how I saw this going down, but much like giving birth, it was intense, not how you saw it quite happening, but in the end..... the glorious part of it actually happening was able to cover all the pain to get to that point. I really felt joy, gratitude, humility, advocacy, and justice happen. It turned out to be a beautiful day and with everyone in absolute awe and happy tears of the process.

It's over buddy, we made it. You are quite a little package that we struggle to handle, but we brokenly every day wake up and ask God to equip us to give you the life he intended for you to have. We are turning corners, paving a way, and giving you opportunities that previously did not exist because we serve a big God who uses very small and un-capable people.

We love you, Zach. You are a Willis now. You have been made legally our son and you are now not only part of our family, but a community who is praying for your complete healing and doing everything possible to give that to you.

Trials and tribulations are opportunities and launching points of growth. I see how Paul says it can be joy. We experienced joy on August 13, 2014.

Zachariah Daniel Willis