Our Story of Loss Part 2 and 3

I am 29 and I have had 4 pregnancies and 1/2 a dozen babies. Only 2 of them so far God has chosen to give us on Earth, so I think I might need a babysitter in heaven.
David was a normal, healthy pregnancy. I assumed everyone just got pregnant right away and had a perfectly, healthy, full term pregnancy.

When David was 9 months old, we experienced our first miscarriage and you can read about that one here.

We quickly became pregnant with Mackenzie after my twin miscarriage #1. We soon discovered Mackenzie had a fraternal twin that was not going to make it. Thus, I began miscarriage #2 while I was still pregnant with Mackenzie. Also, commonly called the Vanishing Twin miscarriage. I was bummed my body seemed to not be able to carry twins.

Due to life circumstances (our house selling, Tim losing his job, Tim going back to school and starting his HVAC career, us renovating a house, and trying to keep our marriage strong and our kid's lives normal) we delayed having another baby until now.

One might ask, why the heck don't you just be done?!! We have both always wanted 3 kids. Both of us. I refuse to not have a baby out of fear. Fear is not from the Lord. If I lived in fear, I would have not made many choices in my life. We fight to not live in fear.

Understanding that, we found out on Christmas we were pregnant, unplanned. We had not started trying yet. The month I had strep throat, it messed my cycle up and we ended up pregnant. Those high temps and antibiotics will getcha every time.

Anyway, after getting over the shock, a bad feeling just set in. Call it mother's intuition, but I knew something wasn't right. Thus, we did not tell anyone over the holiday. I went to the doctor and after bloodwork, they told me everything was fine. We went through New Years and our Open House, but I still had a bad feeling and had not leaked our news out. I woke up January 3 and knew something was wrong. I called the doctor and they had me come in immediately.

At my 7 week ultrasound I found out I was having a miscarriage. Miscarriage # 3. The medical name for this one was a blighted ovum. You get pregnant and a sac for the baby starts growing, but the baby never forms, or stops quickly after forming. The body recognizes it is not going to be healthy and rejects it.

So, after finding out we were surprise pregnant and then miscarrying, my body kind of took a roller coaster ride, and then to make it worse I turned 29. just kidding. but, boo.

Anyways, I'm "back to normal" or whatever that means and we will prayerfully make another attempt in the future. My doctors say I am totally healthy. They only worry when you have a repetitive miscarriage occurring with the same reasons. Mine are all different, I am the statistic.
Doctors say I obviously get pregnant very easy and one other good thing, my body can pick the healthy babies to carry to term. Good news I guess??

Again, if you haven't read my below post, God has pushed me to the point of truly living as a sacrifice for Him, a testimony of his gifts and a testimony of loss. The good and bad, the pretty and the ugly, the easy and the hard. These miscarriages are part of what has shown me what God wants me to do with my life, and for that I am thankful.

We've had a lot of hard. But, a sermon that has spoke to me, pushes me on because of this.

Jesus said,

Follow Me.

That's it. Follow Him. And along the way, all we want to do is backseat drive Jesus and say, "Where are we going?" "When are we going to get there?" "How much longer until we get there?" "Why don't we go this way?" "You are going too slow" or "You are going too fast."

You get the point.

That is me. I am all of those.

But, I am following Jesus and trying to help others along the way. He has a plan. He has a purpose. He knows where He is going. And He wants us to Follow Him.

Please pray for Tim and I. In the past 2 weeks, we've had life throw a lot more on our plate that I am still trying to digest and can't talk about yet. Some days I feel that I'm at the end of my rope...Thanks to all my fam and friends and blog support buddies out there!


Amanda said...

I've been a silent follower of your blog for a while now. I think we went to college together and I came across your journal through a friend of a friend of a friend, I'm sure. Though we've never spoken and our paths have never really crossed, I wanted to thank you for the opportunity to get to know you and your beautiful family.

Your honesty is refreshing, stories of your children and husband warm my heart, and following your home renovation was such a fun adventure!

But this post has perhaps touched my heart more than any other of yours that I have read. I admire your willingness to share such struggles and your strength is inspiring.

Thank you again for allowing me to be a part of your life. You and your family are in my thoughts during this difficult time.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing Jen. I'm sorry about your loss but grateful for you heart and relationship with Jesus through it all-- I guess it's what He calls being salt and light in a dark world :)

Meeshin' Around said...

Praying for you and your family as you go through these trials. Praying you come out stronger and closer in the end and that Christ will reveal himself to you in the darkest moments. Thanks for sharing your life with us - the good and the bad!

Julia said...

I just commented on the Nellie Mae blog after seeing your comment on Rachel's post. Anyway, I'm so sorry that you, yet again, had to go through the death of another baby, another dream. That your heart is aching. I am also a member of the club. I really can't imagine how hard it has been to experience the loss of a baby 3 times. Praying for you tonight. And I read your post below this one and totally feel you in wanting to talk about the nitty gritty with people. We could be friends, but I'm way down on the southside in PTC!

Ashly said...

Jen!!! I'm so sorry friend! My timing really stunk huh? I'm sorry you couldn't tell me on the phone the other night:( I was just going on and on....

I called u tonight but it went to vm and I didn't leave a message. I'm looking forward to our get together on Wednesday. We will pray for your continued healing and timely next pregnancy.

I know what you meant about all these pregnancies and only 2 kids here. I still can't believe we are on #5 with only 1 child here...

Love you!!

Sara said...

Hey girl... I love you and will definitely be praying for your sweet family that I miss seeing!!!

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry Jennifer! Thanks for sharing and being honest ans for showing us all that it is possible to follow Jesus and trust Him when life really hurts and when you don't understand.

Cecilia said...

Oh Jenn, I'm sorry. I know those words don't carry much weight but you know my heart. I always admire your faithfulness and strength. I don't know why pregnancy is so easy for some and so difficult for others. We are at a crossroads as well, so it will be easy to remember to pray for y'all. Even if I go through change or trial kicking and screaming I can see his hand on the other side. Thinking of y'all.

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