Our Story of Loss Part 4
I know most people blog about rainbows and roses, and though we have had many of those, I like to share the real parts of our life on here.
Mainly because we are real people and we use any hardships we go through to be a testimony of Christ. He truly is our sustainer and savior. To Him we give all the glory.
We lost another baby today. This pregnancy taught me more in 8 weeks than Ive learned in years of my spiritual walk. God is so gracious and so clearly spoken to me that this is a testimony that I will share. I don't really even have an idea of who reads this- i know close family and friends, but am happy to maybe encourage someone who needs to read this.
First, I am grateful. I have extremely good health. Tim and I have a really strong marriage and are more in love now than we ever have been. This was a good time in so many ways for us to be pregnant. We were at peace. We were healthy on all levels. And we are still in our 20's so we were hoping that would work for us too! Anyway, God has given me so much confidence in where we are and our healthy lifestyle choices right now. It's always comforting to know you are taking care of yourself if you want to have a baby.
Second, I have been positive. One of my best friends really spoke out some honesty that was me to a "T". ..... For so long I believed David would be an only child. That we would continue to miscarry and he would not have a sibling. I was negative and let Satan control a part of my life that did not claim "I have come so that they may have life, and have life abundantly." Instead I believed Satan that he has come to steal, kill, and destroy life. Now, whether me believing that had anything to do with what the outcome really was, I lost. I lost and let Satan win the spiritual warfare going on inside me. This pregnancy, God changed that. I spoke life to this baby and to myself the whole time. Why deem something a loss before it happens? Why wouldnt I do this with all aspects of my life? Being positive, hoping for the best, speaking life, always hoping, always believing, because He that is in me is GREATER than he that is in the world.
It was a supernatural experience. I was able to hold on to these truths until the end when I saw the end coming. But, it was something I can't describe. It was a battle I won.
Even though we lost the baby, I won the fight. I spoke life to this baby for the 8 weeks I was pregnant.
I pleaded with my doctor to diagnose me, find a problem, find a reason, tell me to stop getting pregnant. And she said the opposite.
Our first miscarriage was a fluke 1 in 1000 partial molar crazy miscarriage at 12 weeks. Then, Mackenzie lost her twin. At Christmas this year, we had a "chemical pregnancy" that basically never even forms a baby. And now, even though a baby had formed and started growing, she said my body just knew it wasn't going to be a healthy full term baby.
Since we have 2 extremely healthy kids, she said my body must just pick those to keep. Then she told me the statistic is really accurate. She told me if I were to stay with her all week, you can almost literally count every 5th woman that walks through the door. She will have to tell that woman she has lost her baby. And she will do it tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. It is a statistic for a reason and she told me, "You've just hit a string of bad luck." That may be true, but God ordains and allows everything to happen and I trust in His timing, he will give us our needs and desires.
I am not set on having 3 children. It's just what Tim and I had always wanted. If the door continues to shut, then we will be done. But, I don't feel done yet.
I know, people think we are dumb. And that's fine. I've had many nasty comments made to me this pregnancy, including one from the nurse at the doctors office that told me, "Look, you just need to stick to the two kids you have and stop it. You have a boy and girl so it's a perfect time to stop."
It makes sense. But, if I had stopped having kids because of fear, trial, hardship, miscarriage, and loss.... I wouldn't even have my sweet daughter. Just because you are afraid of losing a baby doesnt mean to not get pregnant. That would make the same sense of saying, I'm not getting married because I'm afraid of getting divorced. Again, not speaking life. Pronouncing death before it even happens.
My kids are worth every tear I'll ever cry. Since I was as small as I can remember, I wanted to be a stay at home mommy. I know its my calling.
So, I will fight for one more child after I take another break from my loss.
I'm grateful for my marriage, I think miscarriages can make women really detach from their husbands and from the Lord, but God always draws me to Him. And draws me to Tim. I don't know that it gets easier the more miscarriages you have, but it does open your eyes.
This is a fallen world. Death and sickness will reign until we are in our eternal Father in heaven. When we try and make Earth our heaven, you will be disappointed every time.
Please pray that God would consume my life and that I would continue to cling to him. I am choosing to have this miscarriage at home. I have done both and I prefer natures way over surgery. Dont get me wrong, if I was 12 weeks I would totally be in the hospital. You have to make the call on what you can handle. The hardest part is definitely the initial news of your baby not being alive. And I heard her type 5 keys on the computer and i immediately knew the worst, NO FHB, no fetal heartbeat. Its ironic because that was my worst fear again was seeing that and when I did, I just felt so okay. God had totally strengthened my heart in that area.
I am thankful I got to see God create life again, see our baby and its heartbeat, and experience the joy of another life. We are sad this baby will not be apart of our family on this side of heaven, but I am thankful for the life lessons it taught me. Please pray my body and heart would heal.
Thanks for joining us in our journey. We are thankful to be on a journey and the most thankful for God, who is always able to do immeasurably more than we ask or deserve.
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