Summit, Adoption, and Surgery

We have hit the 15 month mark with having Zach.

We have hit the 2 month mark with Tim's company.

Both seem incredibly unbelievable.  A verse Tim has hung very tightly to for a long time, but now has real meaning is this...

Isaiah 42:16. I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

Tim's company has been the best thing that has happened to our family. Summit Heating and Air and you can find us on Facebook for info and reviews! It has been also the greatest and smoothest transition we have ever had as a family. He was a born entrepreneur, hard worker, and we make a great team at getting it done. It has been so fun and exciting to watch the business grow. This time of year was perfect to launch it because things aren't too crazy yet. We are a little nervous about the summer and the pace that is about to hit, but ready or not, here comes the heat!!!

I have been helping Tim with the logistical parts of his company because that is the only way I can contribute! And that is also my gifting and what I do on a really part time basis. I took on 2 big contracts this year with corporate event planning and have my days planned out for the rest of the year. It has been a blessing and also a great outlet for me to step away and run something start to finish. Most of my time, however, is still spent as a mama. I am at the school all the time and I am soaking in the times of field trips, eating lunch with them, reading to their class, and all the parent teacher meetings that come along with a kindergartener, first grader, and second grader. I get in carpool line every day at 2:45 and bring them home to have our time here. I always thought when they were out of the house for a big chunk of the day that my house would be clean. Those are lies... just so you know!

I also thought at this point in motherhood, that I would not struggle as much with how hard the days can be. That is also the same. Some days we have great accomplishments. Other days, I feel defeated. I wonder what in the world I have done wrong to get the attitude and tones of voices that come out of each of my kids mouths. I critique, beat myself up, and make vows that I will surely break the very next day. I cherish each moment with each kid, but at the stroke of bedtime, completely praise God I have made it. We are fine tuning behaviors and responses. We are trying our best to do it right. But, we shake our fist and the inability to do it right all the time.  I get frustrated. I get impatient. I yell. I put off important conversations because I am just too exhausted to do it. I care so deeply and love them fiercely, but they can all 3 break this mama from time to time.

It is in these moments that I am desperately glad we have a Savior. Because of Him, I have the strength, hope, perspective, grace, endurance, forgiveness, humility, love, wisdom, and truth to raise them. It is in these days of defeat that I can not point them to myself, but to the Father I know. And that  loves. And that loves me back no matter how far I steer off course.

Adoption, I now believe, hits up there at the hardest thing we have done. The layers and layers and layers and layers of a hurt, abused, abandoned child are endless. Exhausting. Compassion can carry you for a while, but then you have to ask God to give you his energy to work in you and through you to carry out the calling you have. He is un-recognizable from the child we met 15 months ago. He is on his way to complete healing.

15 months ago when we moved Zach in, we were dealing in crisis mode. Zach spoke few words. Zach had not been a general education student. Zach had not been in a home, not with a family, not with a mom and dad, and certainly no idea of what a brother and sister were. 

I feel as though sometimes right now I am currently experiencing some post traumatic stress from going down in the hole with him, sitting with him, and waiting until he was ready to come out. I have flashbacks to the very beginning. Zach didn't know basic self care. Zach didn't know the names of most normal food that people ate. Zach had never been anywhere and definitely did not know any social norms, rules, and appropriate things to do in public. His responses to others were animalistic .... he was in fight or flight and could not communicate. I remember the other kids. Zach was one of seven at the orphanage. I will never forget their faces. I remember them the night we took Zach for good. I wanted so bad to grab all of them as we left with 1 black garbage bag of all of the things Zach owned. I wanted to take those others and not leave them behind. Mackenzie asked me what would happen to them and it broke my heart that I could not answer that for her. The injustice stung and unfairness for these kids was too much.  I had to take my passion and put it towards the one I did get, the one I fought for, and the one that we had to pry out of the state run facility. 

The ability for a child from his kind of trauma to immediately latch onto his new family, call us mom and dad right away, and attach to us like we have always been together. There has been hope.

The first real prescription pair of glasses he got changed his life when he could see. There has been hope.

The first time he saw a family function in a house hold. He learned to get dressed, brush teeth and go to the bathroom in a weekend. There has been hope.

The first time we heard him answer our questions, start asking us questions, responding and interacting with people. There has been hope.

The fact he has gained 25 lbs and grew too many inches to count and 3 shoe sizes in 15 months. There has been hope. 

The ability for him to learn, become like his peers, play sports, do chores, and do everything a normal 8 year old boy should do. There has been hope.

Zach really is a modern day hero, yet everything has come at such a huge cost. It takes every ounce of energy (way more than renovating a house) to acclimate a non socialized person into a socialized world. There is this window of moldibility we have to transform, make new, and re-train, re-correct, and teach him how to do everything.

It is already hard with biological kids to do those things on a normal timeline, but then you have a child that basically is similar to a newborn, and you have 8 years to catch up. And that's in my court now because he is our son. Our personalities are intense and we go all in. We won't stop for him and we will make it all right. And we will plead to God for Him to make it all new.

We found another big missing puzzle piece that we know is going to help Zach. He was like this box of puzzle pieces with half of them missing that we had to find. That we had to figure out the big picture. It feels like it has taken us forever, but it has only been 15 months. So here is the story:

The very 1st appointment I took Zach to was a ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) doctor. My gut said something was up. Wrong. Bad.

They did a check up and topically checked everything and said he was fine. I moved on to the other 4,000 appointments I had him booked for.

A year later, it still bugged me. He wasn't fine. He isn't fine. They are wrong.

Literally, in the middle of the night, I woke up and the words sleep apnea came to my mind. Front and center. Like God literally spoke those words and put them in my brain.

What is sleep apnea? I don't even know.... I don't know anyone that has it and I don't even know what it is.....

Thus led to one of my fun all night long internet research studies to learn. Zach had about half of the red flags. I slept a few hours and woke up and called the ENT. 

To my surprise, they had an opening THAT day!

You can only imagine the crazy looks my husband is giving me the next morning when I tell him Zach has a 3pm ENT appointment for sleep apnea. Tim is used to my crazy so he wasn't even going to ask questions about it, but said to call him after.

The ENT was concerned enough to book a sleep study. So, next thing I know, we are spending the night in the hospital for a sleep study. He rocked it and took it like a champ. Another thing I couldn't believe he did.... fell asleep in a crazy room with 1 million wires hooked to him.

Sadly, the sleep study gave us some results. We followed up with a CT scan of his head and although he doesn't stop breathing during the night while he sleeps, he had almost complete blockage and impaction. Because of the type of care he had early on in life and prior to coming to us, Zach's infections from colds, viruses, strep, ear infections....  had caused his adenoids to enlarge WAY WAY out of control big and block airflow and also be the culprit of his nasaly voice. Before surgery was booked, the doctors put him on heavy rounds of steriods, antibiotics, and anti-inflammatorys to see if they could heal it. The meds slightly helped some of his airways enough for them to decide to NOT do reconstructive sinus surgery, but they said the adenoids have to come out.

The doctors are so confident in this surgery, they say it will increase his breathing by 100%. That air flow will help clear the rest of his airways. I have no idea how life changing this surgery is about to be. I just know that he will be able to really breath for the first time. And that he will be able to sleep soundly and deeply for the first time. He told me before that he has never had a dream. I don't think any of us know how much this will help him. I know lack of oxygen is a huge game changer for sleep, behavior,  and development. His airways in his sinus cavity are under developed from lack of oxygen so the doctors think he will catch up in no time at all. 

Its so easy to be excited that it is fixable, but I have to try so hard to not be so angry at how preventable it could have been. It is heartbreaking, but another step in Zach's healing and recovery. And for Tim and I .... another glimpse of hope. 

Please be praying for our boy! Surgery is April 6th. We are definitely praying and remain full of hope. Thankful for our community of support not only with our family, but our business, we are incredibly grateful for all of you!

Burn the Boats

I am starting to love our story. For a long time, I wished it was someone else's story. The things I love about it are what we have learned through hardship. God has become real and alive to us.  I think my takeaways are: perseverance, hard work, commitment, risk management, and above all else, spontaneity.
That would sum up our story, I think.

Young, stupid, and reckless? Maybe. We have heard that at almost every risk we have taken. I remember the first time I heard that at 18 when I met Tim on the 3rd day of college....."It's dumb to date someone right when you start college, you just got here. What are you going to do? Date him for 4 years?"
"Why yes. Yes I will." And I did. And I married him.
I could list out the other ridiculous decisions we have made, but this post would be too long.

Here is a post back from when we hit rock bottom here, here, and oh... here again.

I am so proud of Tim for following his dreams, not giving up, and working hard despite failure. We have been blessed to have mentors in our life since college. Tim has been mentored for the past 3 years by a man we met when we were at another rock bottom point after losing it all, after we started over. We had just barely gotten back on our feet, Tim finished HVAC school, we renovated a house we bought for $40,000 that was 800 square feet, and we were getting traction. His first job in the industry was making $10 an hour and working insane amounts, he was the lowest man on the totem pole. He did this for 2 years.  And 3 years ago, he was told there was no more work there. At this low point, this man who stepped in our life and started mentoring Tim got him and interview and Tim landed a commercial HVAC job. It was a turning point for us again.

This man not only helped Tim into the commercial industry, but pushed him into pursuing after his long term goal. 3 years ago, it seemed silly. Tim wanted to have his own HVAC company. It was a silly thought from what we had just walked through. And too "big picture" for me at the moment. I just wanted a minute of stability before we chased the next dream. He didn't want to just work for himself, but start an actual company and fleet of trucks.
And we got that stability and owned it for 3 years. About a year ago, Tim started lining things up to have his own company. We saved. He studied. He read 1,000 books. He signed himself up to take the State Licensing Exam. In order to have your own company, there is a state exam you have to take.
Tim took that test back in the fall and passed. Our dream became a little more real.

Following that, we spent the remainder of 2014 doing research, making a plan, and doing about 1,000 logistical paperwork duties. Summit was the name we kept landing on. We had to register it, buy the website, get licensed, insured, branded, and file papers with the city. We became a train in full force. Tim told his current employer and they were gracious to let him stay and keep working. That was a blessing because we did not want to start until we were ready.

After all the work had been done to launch the company, I think the reality started hitting. Being without a job cuts to our core. We know what it is like to be in a bad spot. It is incredibly hard to willingly and intentionally go back to risking that when you reach a place of stability. We started coming up with Plan B. Safety nets. How could we make ourselves safe? How could we quickly have a "back up" if things didn't work out. These became our conversations.

Tim told his mentor about it and talked through some plans if his business did not make it. And, his mentor told him a little story you might all know:

(Excerpt from www.burningboats.com)



'It was the year 1519 and Hernán Cortés, with some 600 Spaniards, 16 or so horses and 11 boats, had landed on a vast inland plateau called, Mexico.

The Span­ish con­quis­ta­dor and his men were about to embark on a con­quest of an empire that hoarded some of the world’s great­est trea­sure.  Gold, sil­ver and pre­cious Aztec jew­els were just some of what this trea­sure had to offer any­one who suc­ceeded in their quest to obtain it.

But, with only 600 men — none of whom had encum­bered them­selves with pro­tec­tive armour – con­quer­ing an empire so exten­sive in its ter­ri­to­ries could only be under­taken by a man with a death wish.

This dar­ing under­tak­ing was made even more insur­mount­able by the fact that for more than 600 years, con­querors with far more resources at their dis­posal who attempted to col­o­nize the Yucatan Penin­sula, never suc­ceeded.  Hernán Cortés was well-aware of this fact.  And it was for this rea­son, that he took a dif­fer­ent approach when he landed on the land of the Mayans.
Instead of charg­ing through cities and forc­ing his men into imme­di­ate bat­tle, Hernán Cortés stayed on the beach and awoke the souls of his men with melo­di­ous cadences – in the form of embla­zoned speeches.

His speeches were inge­niously designed to urge on the spirit of adven­ture and invoke the thirst of life­times of for­tune amongst his troops.  His ora­tions bore fruit, for what was sup­pos­edly a mil­i­tary exploit, now bore the appear­ance of extrav­a­gant romance in the imag­i­na­tions of Cortés’ troops.

But, iron­i­cally, it would only just be 3 words which Cortés’ mur­mured, that would change the his­tory of the New World.  As they marched inland to face their ene­mies, Cortés ordered, “Burn the boats.”

 

It was a deci­sion that should have back­fired.  For if Cortés and his men were on the brink of defeat, there wasn’t an exit strat­egy in place to save their lives.  Remark­ably though, the com­mand to burn the boats had an oppo­site effect on his men because now, they were left with only 2 choices — die, or ensure vic­tory.  And fight they did.
We know today, how Cortés’ deci­sion to burn his boats panned out.  Hernán Cortés became the first man in 600 years to suc­cess­fully con­quer Mexico.'


So, out the window went our Plan B. We adopted the "Burn the Boats" mentality and went ALL IN. No back up plans. All our energy focused on success and not on an exit strategy. I love it.

We hope you will pray as we embark on this new journey. That we would find favor and have wisdom with what we are doing. Our dream is for a company, not a one man show.  It will start with us and we will grow and hire. We could not be any more in awe of God and how He REDEEMS all the time for us. Where there is risk, there is loss, but where there is loss, there is redemption.

If you are not seeing God's hand in your life, it could possibly be you are living too safe. That you have it all under control. The areas where we have seen God the most are the areas that we have completely lost our minds and taken a huge risks. God loves it when people need Him. Let Him be the Father that He is.

I am thankful for all the support we have already had. I am grateful for this opportunity, and praise God that the American Dream is still alive and well.

 Way to go Tim, and Happy Birthday Summit Heating and Air!!! Lets do this!!

www.summitheatingandair.com

Does anyone else love that Summit is Timmus backwards? I now call Tim, Timmus. Don't look back!



Logo/Branding by Greg Sykes.

A Birthday Wish:: 33 Years Old

Its rare that I remember my dreams. I know I have them. But, unless I recall or tell someone immediately, it is as if it never happened. Isn't that weird how we forget some so fast? Its like there is a block and you cannot recall it. Mine last night was as real and clear as if it were real life. Never had such a vivid dream before.

9 years ago this month we were announcing to our family we were going to be parents! David was on his way... Motherhood has been such an incredible journey. However, adoption takes Motherhood to an entire different ball game. It has been one of the most challenging things I have ever done being a mother to a child who did not have a mother for 7 years. So hard, that sometimes I am in complete shock of what I actually have done and committed to. Why in the world did I think I could absolutely do this? What "qualifies" me to handle it, know what to do, and just expect everything will turn out okay? I have never doubted Zach was 100% the child for our family, but I constantly question my ability and strength to raise him.

I see a lot of ugliness in myself sometimes parenting a child that is hard. Some days I wonder if I will burn out. I question what I was thinking taking a child with special needs that I knew nothing about. Not knowing what true disability he even actually has. I need a reset button on myself some days. I can carry a heavy load that is not mine to carry. This mama can feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders to get it right, know what to do, and fix it.

The truth I am brought to time and time again is that the Lord is the only one who can completely heal this boy. I am a steward of him and my other children. I can do everything I can as a mother, but the Lord is the one who sets the lonely in families, heals, restores, gives wisdom, and never-ending hope.

And I have to remind myself this all the time. Since our One Year Into Adoption, I have felt similar to what Jen Hatmaker says about the beginning of the Second Year. We have made it through so much, yet there is still a laundry list of things I am trying to "ramp myself up for" to tackle next. It gets overwhelming. I hit a mental wall and exhaustion. I question all of the ways in which we push him to his max.

What if he grows up and hates us? What if we don't even make it to that because he did burn us and the entire house down? (Its kind of a sick joke we say here because in all of our trainings, the example always used was 'the kid who burned his house down').

God met me in a really neat place last night. Not being able to shake my heavy heart about next steps for him and more action to come, I fell asleep.

I had a vivid dream. It was so real. And here is what happened:

 

 

Tim and I were in our 40's and visiting Zach at college. We had just finished a meal with him and were getting ready to tell him bye. He was very tall, still very blonde, his beautiful blue eyes, slim, muscular and athletic. He was wearing a dark blue short sleeve polo shirt. Being the same type of mom I am now, I fix a few pieces of hair and the cuff of his sleeve. In a typical college like attitude, Zach said, "I gotta go now mom, I gotta go! Love you." He ran to catch up with friends. He was as normal as any kid I had ever seen. Confident. Happy. Care free. A child no one would ever thought had been abandoned, abused, and left in an orphanage, and deemed special needs. And living life to its max like it all never even happened. A new story written for him. The most beautiful sight. 

 

I woke up thinking we had time warped exactly 10 years. As soon as I realized we had not... I burst into tears. My dream assured me one thing: We indeed did not get burned down in our house.

Im kidding. That did cross my mind, but in my heart I felt the complete peace of God and Him say, "I got this. He is going to be okay."

 

I can't tell you how real and how completely changed I feel. God tries to get a message to you over and over and over and then finally with me, I think He came in my dreams. He really does have this and I really in my heart believe Zach is going to be okay. And not just okay...

Made New. Made Whole.

 

And although that exact dream may not relive itself in 10 years (how awesome and weird if it does though, right?) the message that God wanted me to know is that He has me, my marriage, this child, all my children, our future plans..... all of it. All of it in His hands.

 

And, its going to be okay. Thank you Lord for the best birthday gift I think I have gotten.

Praying this encourages all parents to all stages of where your children are today.



Six.

6 Years ago I came to know God in an even deeper way. And it was through this child. While I thought God was just building our family, He had major faith, trust, and work in our hearts He wanted to do as well. He did both and I am forever grateful.

On the kids birthdays, I reflect back, look through photos, and always give gratitude. We are just stewards of these lives. They are not "mine", but the Lords and their journey to us is our testimony. To Him be the Glory for their lives and ours.

These sweet miracle was born 6 years ago today...

Mackenzie Leigh Willis. 12.18.08 7lbs 11 oz 

A few of my all time favorites...

Her cheeks...

Her little petite self...

Her ponytail...

...And just like that she became a kindergartener this year.

 Wow, that was fast huh? I started this blog when David was 2 so I have been so thankful to go back and see and read about how we blinked through the years.  Maybe someday our kids will read it, maybe they won't, maybe I will delete the entire thing one day. Just kidding, but it has served as a great mile marker for us and I love that.

6. SIX. Six Years Old.
There is something so big about it. 5 sounds so young, but SIX sounds so old.

Each of our children have come to us in such a special way. Mackenzie brings me deep joy. I don't know if I have ever shared about my time with her, but it explains a lot about my joy for her.

I meet people now in this season of life and our life seems very glittery. No one knows Zach is adopted. And people will say, "Wow!! Lucky you! A kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grader! You guys just sailed through that!"

No, no we did not. Funny how I could just paint it like that, right?

We were pregnant with Mackenzie after a terrible miscarriage that followed David. It was one at 12 weeks and molar tissue was found from my miscarriage. I went from being almost in my 2nd trimester to being told I needed come in the next morning for a D & C and then to come in weekly for 6 months to make sure my levels were normal because molar tissue can be cancerous. And we were not to get pregnant until cleared. At the end of the 6 months we were clear and nothing ever came from that tissue. My arms were covered in needle marks from all the blood drawn those very long 6 months. It was hard to go mentally from pregnancy to awaiting cancer results. And I wondered if David would be an only child. When we were given the "all clear", we immediately found out I was expecting. They wanted to monitor me closely following that miscarriage so I went in early.

God bless sonographers. They were at times my worst enemy. The questions they ask I quickly learned were not good.
"Do you have a history of twins?" She asked.
"My grandmother is an identical twin." I said.
"Well, you have 2 babies here. Fraternal."

Tim and I couldn't believe it. I don't remember a lot about that time other than shock. They wanted me to come back around 8 weeks to check them out. On my next visit, the sac each baby was in had grown. I saw a little heartbeat in one and the other seemed to have a baby, but no fluttering.

At this point, time would only tell. If the other baby was just behind and would catch up and grow. Or if that baby was not going to make it. There was concern about Mackenzie (the little heart beating twin), that her heartbeat was too low.

They decided on this visit to have me wait until 12 weeks. So 4 very long weeks later, we went in to see that Mackenzie seemed to be doing fine, but the other baby did not make it. I did not know what this would mean, but basically from 12 weeks until 20 weeks, I miscarried that twin while remaining pregnant with Mackenzie.

It was a time of blind faith because I had no idea daily if I was still really pregnant with Mackenzie or if she was okay. I did not want to get too many ultrasounds, so I just waited it out. I felt pregnant and kept getting bigger, but still miscarrying as well. It was a weird time. I remember telling some lady that asked me if I was expecting one day, "I just don't know....okay?!!!" Other people did a good job of reading the, "Leave Me Alone" vibe that was plastered across my face during that season.

There was a song I heard at church one service. I felt it was written for me. I sang it my whole pregnancy and probably the first 6 months of Mackenzies life. Written by Mercy Me, these words were my heart. And this baby was my tiny offering.

Who are we--- that You would be mindful of us?
What do You see--- that's worth looking our way?
We are free--- in ways that we never should be.
Sweet release--- from the grip of these chains.

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing.

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel, God with us.

My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel, God with us.

Lord, You know--- our hearts don't deserve Your glory;
Still You show--- a love we cannot afford.

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing.

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel, God with us.

My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel, God with us.

Such a tiny offering
Compared to Calvary;
Nevertheless,
We lay it at Your feet.

Such a tiny offering
Compared to Calvary;
Nevertheless,
We lay this at Your feet.

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel, God with us.

My heart sings a brand new song.
My debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel, God with us.

I made it to the 20 week mark and I felt a peace that day. I went in to be told I had a perfectly healthy baby girl due on Christmas Day. I think I cried for the next 10 weeks.

We decided the pregnancy had been hard enough and induced her at 39 weeks exactly one week before her due date. There were concerns about her placenta placement because it was attached lower because of the other twin. I was just ready to meet my baby and didn't want any more surprises.

The joy I had when I met Mackenzie was indescribable. I felt I had lost her so many times. I lost part of her and she lost her little sibling, but I couldn't believe her life was saved. She was such a gift. Her pregnancy changed me. You do get over stuff like this, but you learn a new normal. The wounds are healed, but there are scars. My scars remind me of places that God kept me going. He just kept us moving forward. One day we will tell Mackenzie she had a twin, a long time from now.

Mackenzie was definitely born for a reason. We say jokingly she has the power of 2. I can't even describe her. She is a go-getter, fun-loving, leader, out-going, empathetic, loving, imaginative, creative, silly, passionate, and petite little girl. She is everything I ever dreamed having a little girl would be like.

Mackenzie's teacher wrote this about her and it is so true,
"She is a great role model for how to be responsible and independent student (especially during phonics and sight words) Also, she can find anything we think we may have lost."

Mackenzie has my photographic memory so between both of us, we can find anything :)

We are blessed to have Mackenzie. We are reminded what a gift she is. Her life was on purpose. Our time praying for her started before she ever was born. She is such a fantastic sister and I love her relationship with both of her brothers. She craves their attention and she loves what they love. She wants Davids approval and she loves teaching Zach.

I love you, Mackenzie. I love your smile, laugh, your little scenes and toys you set up all over the house, your confidence, your desire to tell everyone you meet everything, and your heart. Your sweet and tender heart that loves other people and sees a need and wants to help. I believe Mackenzie has a relationship with Jesus and she is a prayer. She will stop and pray and I hear her in her room at night.  I know we will be close like I am with my own mother. She is a blessing we thank God for all the time.

Mackenzie is getting her 1st American Girl doll and we are doing the restaurant and the whole 9 yards.  She has always loved dolls and babies. I think she is finally ready for one.... 2 years ago she was still cutting their hair and putting makeup on them :) I can't wait for this next year with her as she keeps coming into her own little person.

Happy Birthday Mackenzie!!!

Adoption :: 1 Year Later

Our GOTCHA day isn't quite as romantic as most peoples..... in fact, we will probably just celebrate Zach's finalization day, Aug. 13, because that was so monumental going to court, getting his new name (middle and last name) and then celebrating.
Our GOTCHA day was messy. We had been visiting Zach quite a while in his orphanage. We had to abide by DFACS visitation and did day visits first, an overnight visit, weekend visitation, and so on. Something of course was holding up the final move out, but we managed to have him for 10 straight days over last years Thanksgiving. Then, unfortunately, we had to return him. I hated that weekend.
It made no sense, no common sense, to be forced to take him back. But, we had to. There was a hold up in his paperwork for permanent placement and it was one of the worst drop offs we had, for me and for him. It felt mean. I feel like we were adding more trauma to the little guys life. I had it out with DFACS and everyone I could call and finally a few days later, on December 4, 2013, we picked Zach up for the last time. And this time he didn't go back.
It took him a long time to understand that. For several months any time we would get in the car, he would get anxious, ask where we were going, and go into his self coping talks and tell himself, "It's okay, Zach. You are with your family forever. You are staying here."
Ugh. It broke my heart.

So, you might be able to see why we probably won't celebrate our GOTCHA day. The place that we got him from is not a life we want him to continually remember and think about every year. There are so many new things for Zach to understand, including all of the holidays and especially his birthday, that we will just recognize his adoption finalization day.

There are things for us that are very difficult to remember about Zach. Which is crazy how far he has come. It seems surreal. I tell people this often, but God had "blinders" on us when we met Zach. He had to of. There is no way in our right minds that we could see straight during that. We had complete blind hope and faith that the child we met was not going to be the child he stayed. We did accept it though.... we accepted him at his worst and that was tough.

I wish we had a pretty story.... that 1 year later our life is just complete, perfect, and we are the happiest we have ever been. And that adoption is beautiful and our hearts burst with joy every morning. I could tell you that, and you might believe me, but its not quite accurate.

I will tell you these truths though. Zach is a changed kid. Zach is a child that is healing continually. The sky is truly the limit for him. Zach still perplexes every medical professional that sets eyes on him because he is a domestic institutionalized orphan and those aren't supposed to exist anymore. Zach continually does things people said that he couldn't. Zach is attached, bonded, and loves being in our family. He talks about each family member and he is obsessed with David and Mackenzie. Zach, from the outside looking in, is a normal little boy who is super adorable and easily warms up. Zach is strong willed. He has started having opinions, arguing, whining, crying, complaining, expressing thoughts, ideas, asking questions, laughing a lot, getting jokes, playing games..... none of those things a year ago. It looks much like a 2 year old at times watching him learn to have self control. He is smart. He is reading and writing and able to do most all of the 1st grade curriculum. He went from not interacting with peers at all to now he is very much attune to his peers and seeking relationships with them.

We are a better family. Tim and I parent all three kids so different now, so much better. When you have a child from trauma, you do things different. I think the past year we have been in lockdown at our home and not had time for anything else. We went "all in" and as our small group leader said, "our rally cry" was to integrate Zach into our family and school.

School was the hardest part of this year. We love our neighborhood public school and moved here because of it, but immediately faced challenges when we adopted Zach. We dealt with many difficult outside people, high up people within our district, and even other parents. We adored the teachers and staff, but could not get our district to get on board with helping him. We simply wanted Zach to be in a general ed classroom with services and accommodations. We were forced to stand up for him in a very public way and pave a path for him and because of this battle..... it was well worth it.

I am happy to report, Zach is now in a general ed 1st grade classroom with the services he requires to be successful... and doing very well.  He is learning and growing and acquiring new skills very quickly. He is being treated consistently, carefully, and moving quickly in the right direction. I never saw school being so hard, but I feel as though just as we had to JUMP all in and change Zachs trajectory for the way his life path was headed.... we had to do the same for where his education was headed.

We are proud to be Zachs parents. I knew right away I was made to be this boys mother and had what it took to get his life back (all because of who Jesus called me to be and the tools in which he gave me) I was told some nasty things this year about my new son. Things like:
"We don't have kids like your kid here at our school"
"He is one of those kids from the foster care system, right?"
"If you don't like the way our school is, then get out."
"Do you know that moms requested their children to not be in his class?"
"What's wrong with him?"
"He is probably just autistic."
"That was so nice of yall to adopt him"

To all of those people..... Let me see if I can cover it quick. First, it is not the 1960s.... it is 2014 and if you want to discriminate on who you educate, go right ahead. You will find yourself in court. Public schools educate every race, gender, and disability.  To the other parents campaigning against a 1st grader, Shame on you. And nice people don't adopt. Nice people take cookies to their neighbors.... please don't tell us we are nice. I just can't hear that anymore, I actually don't feel even a little bit nice. Insane might be a better word for us that we felt God called us to adopt a special needs 8 year old. And to everyone else trying to diagnose him, the reason you don't know what's wrong with him is because the child was abandoned by his mother and left in an orphanage until we found him. That's whats wrong with him.

So, how about 2015? This year we have been in the intensive care unit. We have fought. We have gotten messy. We have had to persevere like never before with all systems. We have had to make it work, figure it out, and bust our tails to put one damn foot in front of the other.

And let me tell you. God surrounded us by a community of warriors. Real people. Authentic people. You know who you are. People who gave up every bit of their time and resources to make sure we didn't give up or give in. People who stood right next to me through this, people who reached out to me and just loved us, and again.... all the help that came from every angle. I would need something or some resource and BOOM, we would have it. Texts, emails, and friends fighting on my behalf. I told some of my friends I saw their scary side this year :) We feel loved. We are going to not just make it, but we are going to probably raise some pretty amazing little people because of all of this.  God's people are mighty. And David and Mackenzie have become little champions. I have hardly even posted about either of them and need to dedicate several more posts to them, but they are incredible. They love Zach and are also fiercely protective of him. They sure do know how to love people.

And God was with us in miraculous ways. This isn't the story I thought we would have, but I feel honored that God called me to it. He equips his people, no doubt. He brings in the angel armies when you need them, he gives you strength when you don't have it, and he never ever lets HOPE fade away.

1 Year in the books, Zach. I think we did pretty well. Lets see what the next 12 months will bring us.... we are ready! We pray daily for you, that above all else, your heart would be open to Jesus and he will heal, guide, and protect you in all the ways we can't. You complete our family, Zach, and we love you so much.

I pray all who read this today would love deeply. Is loving those easy to love what love really means? Loving those who are difficult to love and then in return they start to love and reciprocate it.... that is a beautiful love story to me. And that kind of love changes lives.