Quarantine. Grace. The Elderly.

I absolutely love writing. It served as therapy for me for years of trying to become a mother and then entering motherhood. I wrote out of a lot of pain, suffering, and emotion when we lost pregnancies and then even more emotion as I became a young mom still processing all of that. This space ramped up for me as we renovated many homes over the past 8 years and then slowed when we became adoptive parents a special needs son almost 6 years ago. It slowed as this season has been the hardest for me to process. I hope I will begin to have the words to write about it one day. It's been the most humbling and hardest thing Tim and I have still to date ever had to go through and continue to go through every day. Our journey is still God crafted and so unique I find myself full of joy always watching what God does next is our lives. I love that Tim is a high risk taker and the adventures that takes us on. And I love that I am intrigued enough to always say yes to what God has up his sleeve and see my husband become more alive when I'm all in no matter what.

So as we are in quarantine, a part of my story I don't talk about a lot has been brought back up slap in my face the past 6 months. I hate this is included in my story, but it sure has made me raise a warrior of a daughter. 22 years ago, I had an uncle that attempted to assault/attack me when I met with him to see if his church would support my mission trip. The situation was interrupted by a doorbell and I was saved from everything and got away as I ran right back out of that front door. Fleeing is sometimes how I have gained freedom. I went to years of therapy and although I still have consequences of it and find myself uncomfortable without wanting to be in some situations, God had big grace. He brought me the most amazingly self confident husband that would give me the moon if he could. He makes me feel so loved and cherished. Because of that uncle's choices, I lost relationships with my grandparents, and my dad did too because he had my back, because they couldn't process and were in denial about their son. Even as his fate landed him in jail for a while because he started having a pattern of this, they couldn't accept it. I missed them and grieved that relationship that I lost for a long time. In October, my grandfather passed away. I woke up in the middle of the night with a full eulogy that I was supposed to deliver. It repeated over and over. I called my dad in the morning and told him what I needed to do. 

It was a liberating time for me to stand in front of my uncle and talk about the 17 years I was able to know my grandfather and the memories I had with him, despite the gift of time he took from me. I also gave a tribute to my father for being the best kind of father and grandfather to my children. I know this is the legacy that the Lord would want for my family and my dad is living that out.

It not only brought bravery, love, and truth to an ugly situation, it allowed my heart to truly have closure. As I spoke with friend in my front yard this morning, sometimes people who commit evil are their own worst hell, it's in their mind and to which there is no escape. I pray evil would always turn and refuse to lose hope that it can, though I have watched a lot of it play out and to those in that boat, it is the crux of your faith so don't let someone else be the reason your faith takes a hit.

So, my grandmother was left, widowed. And remember, not a fan of us still because their was no way her pastor son could commit wrong. She fell downhill quick after losing her husband of 65 years. Her reality was taken from her and the mental state of alzheimers took over and she was helpless and alone. And the son she had picked to be the care taker was failing miserably. We stepped in. By the unbelievable grace of God, she knew exactly who we were, wanted us to be with her, and seemed to not have memories of anything negative, including losing her husband. She keeps telling us he did die, but is back. We cleaned her house, bought her food, purged a lot of harmful things we found in her house, and quickly realized this was a bandaid and would have to go head to head with the monster himself to gain some control.

God can slay and flip tables and by God, he did. My dad stepped in, flipped some tables, and spoke a hell of a ton of words and truth to that man and 2 weeks later, my grandmother was moved into a memory care center with full time supervision. We gain nothing in this relationally because the shipped has sailed for that. We gained everything in this because eternity is the kingdom. And this world is a glimpse and we will absolutely reap what we sow. And sometimes, you may grit your teeth while you are planting those damn seeds, but you are obedient. And we can do great things in His name. No one deserves to live how she was and basic humanity is to care. It was healing to step in and love someone difficult and where there was nothing to receive back. 

Nothing will slap you in the face more when you are serving. It changes your perspective. I tell anyone that is being given over to poor mental health to get outside your world and step into someone elses. Serve somewhere hard. Ask people their struggles and stories. There is power in perspective and therapy in identifying with others.  My daughter saw elderly people walking in the street to the CVS next to our house to try and get food. It broke her heart and then broke mine. We decided to post and do a small collection for them of some basic grocery and staple items they could use so they didn't have to get out. We took over a load and it was so overwhelming to see how happy they were. Not at just the food, but the show of support and that people in the community were thinking about them. Somehow, the post got shared with hundreds of people and my porch was never empty again. Every morning, it has been full and the simple act of how people have been touched about the elderly hit home. I am pretty sure half of the state has my address so whatever, but complete strangers that I have no idea how to even thank have donated an overwhelming amount of things. The times I have been home or outside, people have cried telling me about their recent loss of a parent, grandparent, or spouse and the care and strength it takes to provide for the elderly, physically and mentally. Complete strangers, yet bound by love for those in a hard season of life that lack the skills and capacity to do what we take for granted. 

From what I have walked through recently, its not about what's easy or what's deserved. Its about caring for people in God sized ways that may or may not even be aware that they need it.  My mom lost her dad young and we lost her mother a few years ago from dementia. I now just have a grandmother living who has had history erased, but an opportunity for me to have grace in the present. 

I have survived this quarantine by serving and loving and stepping into difficult things. It has made me grateful, I have new friends, and it has given my kids an opportunity to see love as a verb and redemption at its finest. It has also helped me meet a ton of new people because we have been asked by all sorts of people if we are hoarders because my porch was loaded with supplies. It has also been humbling as over the weekend many people have walked by and there are cases of depends on the steps. I hope, in this season, it reflects a time of God's abundance. We are not only overflowing with these items, but what is inside our hearts. And I thank God for growing that in us because that's what He does.
I am grateful to be a very small part in this food movement. I am a landing place and a driver one day a week to pick up for our schools. Every person doing a small part is feeding hundreds. And that is the best multiplication happening in our online homeschool that I can teach.

xoxo
jen