Push the Domino

 I wish this post could be over a cup of coffee. We are ending another year and for me, I am ending a decade that closes out in a little over 2 weeks.

I am not a big fan of New Year's resolutions because a lot of people make them and there is not plan of action to follow it and I am a big planner. (Hi, I'm also an Enneagram 8). There can be toxic positivity, anxiety, and fear of failing that all impact people planning or failing to plan. None of that makes you look forward to something so its not a great foundation to start on. If you have a strong desire to be intentional, but also don't want expectations hanging over you, read along. We have packed a whole lot of life in and say yes to open doors and here are some things to think about as you pray and plan over your New Year. 

1. Life is a gift. If you aren't in the right head space, shift your perspective. Start with what you are the most grateful for and what your biggest accomplishments are. Many people don't get to write those things down this year. In different seasons, we experience great loss or sickness because in this world we will have trouble. Take heart. Look up. There are things in your life that are a gift and they need to be recognized before you can plan. If this is hard for you, pray to see gratitude. There were holiday seasons that I sat in some darkness after losing pregnancies. Sit where you are, but shift your eyes.

2. A year isn't a year. About 10 years ago, I sat inside an event that was a leadership conference. It was with the top executives of a very successful company and the professor was from Harvard. He spoke on something that changed the way I planned and lived. A year isn't a year. If you say, "I want to _______ this year", and that is the extent of your goal, it will not happen. It's time to get specific. Whether its a new job, entering into the dating world, adoption, travel, planting a church, giving, whatever, name what's on your heart specifically." Then, instead of 12 months, you have roughly four 12 week quarters. There are many books and podcasts about this idea. Making a 12 month goal can be broken down into accountability and action. So, lets take when we wanted to adopt. The first 12 weeks we focused on filling out all paperwork. 6 weeks in, that was the half way point to see where we were. Weekly tasks and action needed to happen to hit this. The next 12 weeks, we signed up for state required Impact Training through DFCS. 12 weeks following was a homestudy and any final requests. And the final 12 weeks, we received child submissions. 

3. The idea is to take consistent action. What keeps you from taking a step? The dream can be broken down into mini projects that are worked on all year. Not in one day. Not to procrastinate and wait until the end of the year. Start with something small. Maybe its something simple and once you see things advance it will give you the confidence to take on bigger things. It could be a family trip. Don't plan it out of guilt or sadness that your kids are getting older. Always get your mindset right first because that is your foundation of planning. Spend 12 weeks researching, at 6 weeks you should have a list you are then deciding on. Spend the next 12 weeks and put a date on the calendar, there will always be a conflict, but put it on the calendar anyway. 12 weeks of logistics of what you will do and then the last 12 weeks will hopefully be you on the trip. All of this can be done faster, but for those starting, this is a good place. We spent a lot of our marriage and time raising kids going to places that are free or next to nothing. Camping, going to the lake, traveling to see family, going on a fall leaf drive, hiking, local or long distance mission trips that you can raise support for, or just an easy overnight date each quarter. 

4. Evaluating your commitments and taking them before the Lord is probably the most important thing we can do. We started our business almost 8 years ago to change culture. Tim had been in the industry and in the service industry, work was our only life. He was working 7a-7pm and on call at night for commercial service buildings that required hvac to be running nonstop. People worked until burnout. Tim saw so many companies with high turnover. We wanted to do business differently and also model it to all the people we could hire. Everyone wants happy customers, but what about happy employees? Was it possible to run a high demand service based business with work/life balance? I say yes. And our team would too. Our teenagers are going to act like teenagers. And toddlers will act like toddlers. Embrace the season and plan anyway. I don't ask my kids, I don't wait for their attitudes to get right, and we have our fair share of ups and downs while living out adventures together. Don't "wait until you're in a different season." Throw them in the car and get out of dodge, you'll all be better for it. 

5. Something may need to go. What is draining you? If you are committed to something, fulfill your commitment. Then, I would challenge you to ask God, "What's next?" Don't get complacent. Open new doors to serve, to meet people, to let other people step up. Passion is a huge motivator and you need to have that. Let God renew it with new opportunities and relationships.  Think about taking a risk to not only say yes, but to say no.

6. Tim and I often use so much nonverbal communication with three teenagers. It has become comical. Grin and do it. We see a trauma counselor regularly since we adopted Zach many many years ago and she said sometimes when things are crazy or frustrating, just take a deep breath and say, "It's just like this." Embrace where you are.... the hard, the stressful, the meltdowns, the attitudes... and do it anyway. Because it is just like this right now, but it won't be one day. We will be empty nesters at 44 and our house will be very quiet. I am also not the mentality that "You are 18 and you are out now", but that 's for another post. Some kids need a gap year, to live at home and work, to go to trade school, or maybe it is a 4 year university. We are holding our doors to our home open, as well as our hearts. Mainly, because we know we can continue to plan our life, reach goals, take action, and then help our children do that as well. 

12 weeks at a time.

So, instead of asking people, "What are your goals for 2022?" Ask them what their goals are for the next 12 weeks. I don't look at turning 40 as turning 40, ask me in about 12 weeks how it's going and I can tell you that. I will have pushed a domino. 

Cheers to you and yours. Give your time to the Lord, remember your days are numbered, be wise and also be at peace. Here was our 2021 Top 9 photos. It is my marriage and family, the very most important things to me and the filter in which all things run through. These kids are passing through and I'm ready for another year. 

xoxo

 

Power Move Parenting: Being Chosen

 My love for our adopted son runs very deep. Our children are now 15, 15, and the other one 13 next month. When you experience repetitive loss having children, it changes motherhood. We lost five pregnancies at different stages and it absolutely still shapes how I parent and am currently parenting teens. Not all in a good way, there are definitely the up and down sides of that trauma. For this season of life and my encouragement today, the up side helps with clarity and focus. The strong desire to mother and care keeps you checked in, it overrides your exhaustion and you stay in the game. With biological children, this is a life you prayed for and literally shed blood and tears for. With adoption, it’s a very similar fight to not only go through the process of adopting, but to then fight to get that child’s life back, which for us is going on 8 years. Adopted or not, mothers rise high and quickly from whatever hole we are in when our child cries out at any age, it’s how we are made. A mother that has had loss just is listening a little more intensely, maybe responding half a second quicker, battling it a little more intensely…. because we were already in fight or flight mode to begin with. Unrest and fear started this process and even though it doesn’t have its full power anymore, it quickly rears it’s head when startled. I have seen my own trauma in fight or flight raising a child that developed in it, or lets be honest and say no one develops or thrives in that state. You never get over it. Don’t spend your life trying to. But, you can absolutely experience peace and wholeness through it not being a decision maker in your life. It’s season is over, remind yourself of that.  It doesn’t get to have any more power than it already did. You can do the work of prayer, counseling, medication, community, and all the parenting hat tricks, but you will never erase from someone the scars that seared their minds and hearts. You can speak truth and have practical ways you handle every situation and a talk track that gets you back, but there will never be a place in life where you say, “All that was fine. I’m good now.” If you are able to say that, you have not experienced life changing trauma. I personally think everyone has some type of an experience to a degree, haven’t met someone trauma free yet. 

We are raising a child from it and all I can speak from is where I have walked with him and where I am at personally. I will tell you Zach and I both have a pretty high threshold for what will rattle each of us on the daily. I think sometimes people from trauma are almost calm because when you see other people freaking out about whatever, you roll your eyes. I said I wouldn’t list examples and I’m not gonna do it, but perspective is a funny thing. We have many ongoing emergency room visits, crises, and whatever… they have a tendency to upset the people around us more than they even actually bother us! I have learned to delay and deliver information in accordance to that. Your thermometer will climb at different speeds if you are from trauma, but remember that other peoples don’t. 

Everyone warned us that when you have an adopted special needs child that is from trauma and then they hit puberty…. Beware. We are almost on the other side of it at 15 with him right now. The hormones and lack of appropriate development can be a literal train wreck. Here’s how I would respond, the train has already wrecked. And you have already been on the scene. Remove that anticipation. The difference is now you knew what it sounded like and how to suit up. It’s the beautiful part about raising any child, they aren’t born a teenager. A million factors affect each child’s development and trust me, some have nothing to do with adoption or special needs. 

Our son has been a true picture of healing and I have to remind myself to celebrate that, literally his life was changed forever. I consider it a huge, and overwhelming at times, calling from God that I would be the best mom for Zach. But, they will fall. And so will you. It is difficult to have set backs when pushing the ball up hill is so hard. The setbacks feel greater and farther, it feels that way, but I promise its not. It is just another hurdle and they will cross it. And so will you. We have had big and scary situations with a child that now towers me, and I have seen grace win. Maybe not in the moment, but the seeds you have sown will reap and that truth you have spoken will not come back void. Hold the flag, do not drop it. Be open to being outside the box with what your kid needs in the moment. When you get out of the moment, put them back on the tracks and push forward. Do not pivot, force the next step forward and the rest will follow. 

With some hard hurdles crossed and now him having a lot of communication, teenagers and hormones create an impulsivity that you sometimes can’t control in the moment. If not physical, they can be verbally impulsive. With any child and especially those who didn’t develop correctly with trauma, physical behavior for us subsided when communication spiked. It’s known that the ability to communicate well leads to frustration that can turn physical when they cannot express themselves accurately.  Get those ears perked up and have a plan…. Again, those from trauma were already subconsciously listening and ready for it. Zach said the other day after a consequence was delivered, “I don’t want to be in this family, I’m going to live with the grandparents.” To which I responded, “They already raised their kids, no dice. You are stuck here.” I’m sure that gracious response to him yielded the next statement out of his mouth, which was, “Then take me back to the orphanage.” And we all know how that ended so I quickly let him know, “Too bad mom helped get that place shut down so there is no more orphanage, bud. You are our family forever and this is how it is.”

There was something transformational that God did in my heart after hearing those words that stung. Also, be very careful you don’t take teenage angst and hormones personal. See it as they are comfortable, safe, free enough to express themselves and quickly move to restoration. Many kids think it or stuff it anyway, they just aren’t saying it to your face. No one is getting punished forever, although I think I could last pretty long. When we give our lives to Christ, we are His. Our old self has died and He literally gives us a new Spirit that lives in us and if we allow, transforms our minds and hearts. For me personally, that power is in my every day. I would have mentally lost it by now. He renews and transforms and I can’t explain it. It is just what He does. New mercies and new mornings. It gives me the peace of not being offended and taken down by a child and knowing this very true and one thing because of who I am in Him…. God put his one statement on my heart about Zach and it is this,

He doesn’t have to choose us, as long as he knows he is chosen. Remind your child of that and walk away. The is the power of love. I hope that truth sews deep in his heart because the beauty of being adopted is that you were chosen twice. Once by God, and the second by me.

Don’t withhold your love, speak it louder. Don’t not act when it is in your power to act and do good. When he sees that I am recovered, he sees it is safe for him to recover. Don’t act fine, we aren’t fine. I show my tears and respond that words hurt just as much as physical actions do. With special needs, you do this once. Then you do it a million more times. We have seen he grows, gets it, and gets better. Which is the time that it will stick? We don’t know, but we know it will.

That is not powerful parenting, but parents who have a powerful God. Amen and amen. 

Failure to Launch

 

Going to a military college, I spent hours watching cadets practice drill, use bayonets, and special units like Columbo and the Rangers would practice on a higher level and it was fascinating. Army commands flying around and it was all normal to me.  A lot of military terms became parallel to my faith because of how much spiritual growth happened in college. I remember thinking how busy I was, but I definitely had time for multiple bible studies, long quiet times, and constant ministry retreats on breaks. Every day for 4 years, this was the environment in which these men were trained and some would go on to commission after college. I have stepped back into my roots of faith recently as I look around and desperately hope people of faith would live loud, that they would advance and not retreat.  I hope this writing piece will encourage you to step out, you have already been called and God will provide all that you need. 

Christians are given The Great Commission. Matthew 28:18-20.  And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you."

Simply put, if you are to go and make disciples, then that means you probably need to be around people that aren’t yet disciples. Disciple means a follower of Christ in this context. Again, we need to be around and immersed in people that are not following Christ. I absolutely value church and having a body of believers, I believe in it so much that I actually helped plant a church… in the middle of a pandemic. But, that's where some people stay. It should be a place of worship, teaching, and encouragement, so that you can go back out into the world. Then, meet again. In fact, don’t give up meeting together.  One of my favorite movies is, Failure To Launch. Some parents hire a girl who says she can get anyone to move out of their parents house. In the same sense, we need to get out of our Father’s House and get on the mission he gave you. The mission is not being done inside a building, bubble, or whatever barrier you’ve tried to put up to protect yourself. He is our protector, provider, and already given us the authority to do that. What is your fear or barrier?

You don’t have to get on an airplane and leave the country for mission (and newsflash it's super impossible to do that right now anyway), but you can walk across the street, serve in the local food pantry, have your family buy supplies for those that can’t or have been in crisis. If you are immersing into the world, you will see the needs. They will feel overwhelming at times once your eyes are opened. Any school social worker can give you plenty of ways to help support some of the families that go to school with your children. You will be able to discern what is best because God also says he’ll give you that, along with wisdom. There’s a good chance if you don’t know of any needs, you have failed to launch. 

Maybe you are constantly on the battleground and on it so much you have neglected your own family. That has definitely been me before. I found it was easier to meet the physical needs of other families than the emotional needs in my own house. You will hit a guardrail and be convicted if this is you. I was and I made a pivot. A few years ago, my parents started giving experiences instead of gifts. We took that idea and started doing that as well for holidays, birthdays, and special occasions. Our time away as a family is gold and I long for the days when our calendar is full again, so don’t forsake your own family for the needs of others. There was one time, early pandemic, when my porch became a drop off for the Walton community. I have never seen the amount of generosity like I did then. We had 800 rolls of toilet paper dropped off, and ironically, I had zero in my own house. Luckily, a friend hooked me up and shared their stash because I was not about to take from the elderly. It did remind me though, take care of your own affairs so you can take care of others.  Shop for your family and throw in an extra for someone else. I would also argue that you don’t not have time to serve, it’s soulwork, and that ranks high up there in raising the next generation. Your family can serve together and if they don’t see you doing it, who are they watching do it? Get them involved and create a heart to serve in them young. 

You are loved, you are God’s children, you have salvation through the Gospel, but you’ve been given a charge. And it's not to make your world safe and comfortable. Instead of pulling away, try pushing in. That is where the power of Christ is anyway. You don’t need it if you aren’t going anywhere. We all need to do an about face. We need to advance into the world with big love and the last thing we should do as army Christians on this battleground is retreat. 

I’d give any time to anyone wanting to make steps for themselves and their families to dig in, get messy, and realize that beautiful life is found where people are broken. You have something very special to give away, who are you going to give it to?