9/30/15

Fully Present

My prayers started something like this today,

I can't. I can't figure out how to keep our house clean, I can't figure out how to balance the needs of each child in our family. And I can't always be on top of it with each kiddo and you know Lord, I can't come close to filling the endless pit of needs that our adopted son has because his wounds go deeper than my understanding.....

Im pretty sure He was like, Well good morning to you too ;)

Sometimes I feel disappointed in my relationship with God. I pray and I don't get an answer. Or, I pray and I find myself disappointed in the way He has answered my prayers, which then also adds another layer of guilt. Or I'm just flat out disappointed in myself that I just can't quite pull it together.

I can feel shackled by the weight of the perceived load I feel I have to carry every day. The roles of being a wife and motherhood constantly humble me and it gets overwhelming to wake up and do it all again and again. As we move into a new life stage with our kids being a little older, my energy is not spent on chasing them around as littles and balancing naps and feeding. It is now more complex with really molding world views, attitudes, self discipline, and how we treat people. And I have 6 little eyeballs watching if I practice what I preach. The best way I can teach them is to live it in front of them. We can't hold our children to a higher standard than we ourselves don't live by.

I was once on staff with a college ministry and was involved with it for 6 years. I would hear people say this during some of our staff meetings, "I'm gonna do big things for God. Big things. I'm want to go move to a foreign country and just die there for my faith."
At all of 20 years old, I remember listening carefully, yet not understanding the words that would come from my boss in response to these statements. Similar statements came a few times a year from someone passionately wanting to do something they perceived as "big" for God.  He was so gracious and never crushing anyone's dream, but gently would say, "You know, sometimes God calls you to live the life He has given you and be faithful to it. Sometimes the hardest thing is to just keep walking down the path in front of you." Now in my life, that reasonates. Tim and I call it our season right now of, Dwelling in the land and cultivating faithfulness.

To stay married. To love my kids and engage every day. To reach out and be a neighbor to my neighbors. To work hard at a job and not quit. To clean your house. To be a family member to your family. To struggle with those relationships and let them refine you. To be apart of a body of believers. And to serve your church. To wrestle with the balance of doing all of those things. To do these things well and faithfully and leave room for white space where God can speak and work in those areas. And when you wrap your head around doing all of those things, some days it feels like a lot easier to want God to call me to pack it up and go move to a foreign country and die there :) Sign me up!!!

If I can just sit. Just sit with Him. For a few minutes a day, I'm reminded that He didn't just rescue my soul from eternity, but is here to rescue me from myself every day. This passage resonates with me,

Colossians 1:13-20

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
And He is the head of the body, the church; He is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

Praying that no matter how deep our sin goes, that we are reminded of how much greater His grace is. The greatest life you can live is to live fully present and walk in the life God has given you, and by His grace, do it well.

3 comments:

Shannon Harriman said...

Thank you so much for sharing! This is exactly what has been on my heart today.its hard sometimes just to keep on keeping on. And when I fail, I feel so incredibly mad at myself. I love your heart and the way you articulate what is going on with you. Love to you and yours!

Shannon Harriman

juliehopperpa said...

Thank you so much for writing this you took he words out of my mouth! I feel very overwhelmed with my season of life right now! I'm glad to know I'm not alone in my feelings and how that strains my relationship with God daily and it's a choice to keep walking in faith

Keri Sullivan Ninness said...

This is beautiful Jen- and BALM for me. Thank you !!!!!

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