9 years ago this month we were announcing to our family we were going to be parents! David was on his way... Motherhood has been such an incredible journey. However, adoption takes Motherhood to an entire different ball game. It has been one of the most challenging things I have ever done being a mother to a child who did not have a mother for 7 years. So hard, that sometimes I am in complete shock of what I actually have done and committed to. Why in the world did I think I could absolutely do this? What "qualifies" me to handle it, know what to do, and just expect everything will turn out okay? I have never doubted Zach was 100% the child for our family, but I constantly question my ability and strength to raise him.
I see a lot of ugliness in myself sometimes parenting a child that is hard. Some days I wonder if I will burn out. I question what I was thinking taking a child with special needs that I knew nothing about. Not knowing what true disability he even actually has. I need a reset button on myself some days. I can carry a heavy load that is not mine to carry. This mama can feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders to get it right, know what to do, and fix it.
The truth I am brought to time and time again is that the Lord is the only one who can completely heal this boy. I am a steward of him and my other children. I can do everything I can as a mother, but the Lord is the one who sets the lonely in families, heals, restores, gives wisdom, and never-ending hope.
And I have to remind myself this all the time. Since our One Year Into Adoption, I have felt similar to what Jen Hatmaker says about the beginning of the Second Year. We have made it through so much, yet there is still a laundry list of things I am trying to "ramp myself up for" to tackle next. It gets overwhelming. I hit a mental wall and exhaustion. I question all of the ways in which we push him to his max.
What if he grows up and hates us? What if we don't even make it to that because he did burn us and the entire house down? (Its kind of a sick joke we say here because in all of our trainings, the example always used was 'the kid who burned his house down').
God met me in a really neat place last night. Not being able to shake my heavy heart about next steps for him and more action to come, I fell asleep.
I had a vivid dream. It was so real. And here is what happened:
Tim and I were in our 40's and visiting Zach at college. We had just finished a meal with him and were getting ready to tell him bye. He was very tall, still very blonde, his beautiful blue eyes, slim, muscular and athletic. He was wearing a dark blue short sleeve polo shirt. Being the same type of mom I am now, I fix a few pieces of hair and the cuff of his sleeve. In a typical college like attitude, Zach said, "I gotta go now mom, I gotta go! Love you." He ran to catch up with friends. He was as normal as any kid I had ever seen. Confident. Happy. Care free. A child no one would ever thought had been abandoned, abused, and left in an orphanage, and deemed special needs. And living life to its max like it all never even happened. A new story written for him. The most beautiful sight.
I woke up thinking we had time warped exactly 10 years. As soon as I realized we had not... I burst into tears. My dream assured me one thing: We indeed did not get burned down in our house.
Im kidding. That did cross my mind, but in my heart I felt the complete peace of God and Him say, "I got this. He is going to be okay."
I can't tell you how real and how completely changed I feel. God tries to get a message to you over and over and over and then finally with me, I think He came in my dreams. He really does have this and I really in my heart believe Zach is going to be okay. And not just okay...
Made New. Made Whole.
And although that exact dream may not relive itself in 10 years (how awesome and weird if it does though, right?) the message that God wanted me to know is that He has me, my marriage, this child, all my children, our future plans..... all of it. All of it in His hands.
And, its going to be okay. Thank you Lord for the best birthday gift I think I have gotten.
Praying this encourages all parents to all stages of where your children are today.