4/13/09

A Broken Heart Mended and Lessons on Grief

4.14.08. My sweet twins due date lost to a partial molar pregnancy.

No FHB. Thats pretty much the worst thing an expecting mother can see written across the ultrasound screen. I found out quickly that it stood for "No Fetal Heartbeat." Those initials and the silence in the doctors room were the only things I needed to know to figure out what had happened. I remember just a stinging emotion in my heart and my body just filled with heat. Minutes blurred by and everything the doctor said just bounced off me as I starred at a chair for about an hour. Tim's voice echoed in my head as he called my mother and said, "Jen had a miscarriage..."
It's weird to think that if everything had worked out that I would have a set of 1 year old twins today....
God had other plans.....you see, the day our due date passed last year, we found out 3 days later that I was 4 weeks pregnant with Mackenzie. Although, the void was not filled of losing those babies, the void of wanting to have another child was filled and I started to feel joy again. Funny how God works. Even though Mackenzie had a twin that we lost early on as well, I never once have been upset about that...you see, I have realized that I am lucky that God would bless me with just another healthy baby. What more can a mother pray for? I was not selfish to think that I "deserved" two.
I think these events over the past year have finally come full circle for me. Mackenzie technically wouldn't be here if I had carried those twins.....and now I can't imagine my life without her. As I pass a 1 year anniversary of that whole miscarriage nightmare, I sit and stare at my 4 month old baby. It's easy to see things retrospectively.
I am by no means an expert on grief, but here are some things that I personally learned grieving the loss of babies through miscarriage....

1. Say something, anything, even if it might be the wrong thing...... it hurt me more when people ignored what had happened over someone saying something maybe a little insensitive. A safe choice is always, "I am sorry for your loss." Anything acknowledging their loss is good.
2. Avoid statements like, "Everything happens for a reason" and "You'll have another baby"......I know things do happen for a reason and people will probably have another baby, but the reality is that you wanted THAT baby you were carrying and for it to work out.
3. Avoid asking people, "When are you going to have a baby? When are you going to get pregnant again?" Everyone heals at different times, and you never know....infertility is so high that it could take a while and you could also be asking someone that who has been trying for a long time.
4. Send a card, email, or call. We received 30 cards, numerous emails, calls, and meals brought by. It was so comforting to know other people cared we were hurting and were making gestures to reach out to us. One card I read over and over simply said, "Long before we're ready, we sadly say goodbye. But there are those in a far more beautiful place who are saying, "welcome home."
5. I don't know why, but music and lyrics often are healing for some. The song, "Realize" by Colby Caillat for some reason was all i listened to. Tim calls it my sad song, and I know its not even a christian song, but for some reason I loved it and it was healing.

Okay, that is all. I know there is a lot more, but those are lessons my sweet angel babies help me learn. I feel as if me sharing what I learned helps me feel as if their short little lives mattered and can somehow help others.
While I did not get to be their mommy here on Earth, they are all with their perfect heavenly Father and for that I rejoice that Jesus is the giver of life.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you...Let not your heart be troubled." John 14:27
Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal - Thomas Moore

7 comments:

Dupree Family said...

Hi Jen, I read your blog and everything you said applied to me too. Josh and I had a miscarriage 2 months before we got pregnant with Aidan. I wasn't far along, but it was horrible. I'm sorry that you lost your babies....but you are absolutely right that they are in heaven and they are "home." Hope I get to meet you one day! Josh said that you were a really good friend in high school! ~Jolynn

Rachel said...

Jennifer - I am remembering today too...with a mended broken heart. I had a due date of 4.14.08 as well. I thank God, for both of us, that we have sweet girls to love and hold now!

natalie said...

what a great post--well said!

The Partins said...

Your story is so very similar to my friends - the Gordons (on my Blog list). They have a young daughter thru serogacy, then they lost a set of triplets at 24 weeks and now have a beautiful baby boy.

Thank you for sharing for those of us who want to "help" but don't know the best way to do so.

I guess all we can ever really do is Thank God for Hope & Love and pray for everything else.

Kelly and Rob said...

Jenn,
Thanks so much for posting that. It really helps to know what other people have gone through. I am sorry for the sadness you and Tim have had but am so happy for you and your beautiful children!!

Meeshin' Around said...

Hey Jennifer - thanks for that post...your honesty and thoughts really mean a lot! Hope you guys are doing great!

Ashley said...

Jen,

I'm so proud of your strength and honesty. I can't imagine going through what you went through. It makes Mackenzie so much more precious, doesn't it? God bless you!

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