11/6/11

My Creation is With Me

Yes! I still have to upload halloween costumes and some fun halloween pics on here!
Even with all the fun we've been having this fall, i have to take a time out and share a little bit about the season of life I'm currently in...

At the end of the summer, we joined a small group with our pastor and a small group of others. The group our pastor is leading is called, Deep Roots, and it has been really deep. We've been studying large amounts of scripture. It's been awesome. I also started attending a weekly mothers Bible study at our church on wednesday mornings that is pretty intense. And again, really awesome. We are going through a study called, Wisdom for Mothers by Denise Glenn. It is intense b/c the material is lengthy and is pulling a ton of scripture. There are videos to go along with it also. Again, we are really going deep and getting into marriage, our relationship with the Lord, and how we discipline and are raising our kids.
And lastly, about 100 people have told me to read Heaven is For Real. It is a story about a little boy who undergoes surgery at a young age and tells his dad that he went to heaven and met Jesus while he was under anesthesia. Whether the book is fake, real, or just a dream..... the point I took away from it is that well.... heaven really is for real. It's a real place. And it's cool to read what this little boy believes about it.

Anyway, I am obviously feeling super encouraged right now and filled with truth. If only every season of my life I could just be deep into the truth of the Bible and surrounded by transparent believers! Tim and I are really trusting and asking God to do some big things with us, his career, and our children. It has been really exciting to have a vision together and beg God to show up in our lives in a big way.

I know a lot of people don't share what God says to them on such a public level, but I really feel like what God spoke to me 2 weeks ago could bring encouragement to so many. So, here goes...

After reading that book, it stirred up a lot of emotions from all the babies we have lost. That's why so many people told me to read the book was b/c the little boy told his mom one day after surgery that he had 2 sisters. The mother told him, no you just have 1 sister. (In the story, the little boy has one older sister) And the little boy said, No. I have 2. I met my other sister in heaven. She said she died in your tummy. The mother had never told her children about a miscarriage she had years before she was pregnant with them.

Okay, I know... when I read it I thought.... oh how sweet. Good for them. Despite the fact of indeed this book is true or not, heaven is real and babies go to heaven.... right?
For some reason, it's always been easier for me to think of the babies we have miscarried as "gone". And not picture anything more. To count it as a loss. Almost like.... well, my body messed up and how does a 2 inch baby go to heaven at 6 weeks, 7 weeks, 8 weeks, or 12 weeks? It's too confusing to comprehend? I mean, is there a 2 inch baby in heaven? Are all babies that die in the womb just fast-forwarded to a certain age? My head and heart start hurting when I try to think about why and how and where. Like I said, it was easier to just think of these lives as gone b/c we never met the person that the life could have been....

Anyway, I knew I was wrong. And I knew God wanted to settle this issue with me. I hated to think about it. I hated to dwell on each baby we lost and think about it's life. 5 lives that were created that aren't here.... where are they and what are they?

During a church service, this song playing was being sang by our worship team. The words all of the sudden just cut like a knife:

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty.
Who was and is, and is to come.
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings, you are my everything and I will adore you.

And after the chorus, A sentence was "spoken" to me that was not me:
Jennifer, that is my creation. And my creation is with me.

And that was it. God answered my question and then my thought process finally was logical.

God creates life. God created a womb, grew a baby, gave it a heartbeat. We can't "make" life appear. Only God can breathe life into a person. It was nothing I did or didn't do. It was Him.
For whatever reason, God took the life He created with Him.
And that's what He told me. That is my creation. And my creation is with me.
And as believers we all end up there anyway.... I still don't know what that "looks" like, but I know that probably doesn't matter. The lives God created in me, he took, and they are with him.

Pretty cool, huh? God clearly thought I needed an audible intervention on this one, and I'm super grateful for that.

Anyway, just wanted to share. I'll just let that sit with you.... it has with me for a couple weeks and it brings me to a place where I am in awe of what a big, big God we have and how personal and awesome He is. I'm so thankful to be a literal vessel for His work.

5 comments:

Rachel @ Moments With My Miracles said...

Thanks for sharing Jennifer! I love the words He "spoke" to you..."The baby(babies) was my creation, and my creation is with me." Such an amazing thing to comprehend!

The Riddle's said...

Love this Jennifer. Thank you for the encouragement.

Amber Vestal said...

I thought about sharing that perspective with you. My friend Heather has had 4 miscarriages and this truth has always comforted her. Glad to hear you're being encouraged and doing well!

Cecilia said...

This is something I struggled with after we lost Ethan. I know not everyone agrees, but I believe he is in Heaven. I read a book shortly after we lost him called 'I'll hold you in Heaven' and it really gave me some comfort. I think it's awesome you heard an audible response from God. I'm glad to hear y'all are doing well!

jennifer said...

Thanks for reading along guys. It is definitely a truth I've had knowledge of and thought I believed, but God made it so real to me. When the rubber meets the road, and you've seen 5 babies within you and then gone.... it definitely tests things you think you believe in your head.... verses owning them in your heart. I think anyone who experiences this loss will have to come to own it. And Cecilia, I know your loss so late term in pregnancy with Ethan had to be even harder. I know without a doubt the lives we said goodbye to, God was saying welcome home.

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