It's hard when 60 days ago I was happily at home, Tim was working, and we had our house on the market so we could buy a bigger home for our growing fam. Now, recap, he was laid off, the house sold, all our stuff is in storage, we are living with his parents, he's about to be a full time student, and we are going to rent until Christmas when he is half way done and then he'll be able to work and finish school. Thus, we'll settle where his job is.
Sometimes I feel like we are one more bad event away from a bad country song. Lately, I have really missed having a home. I'm a stay at home mom, but minus the home. We have to drive by our house every Saturday to take David to soccer, and I am still really glad we sold it, but it's weird seeing another family start a life in there. I kinda feel like its still mine since we haven't found a place yet. Living with Tim's parents seriously is such a blessing and I have never had help with the children before, so I am so grateful. However, it's just not the same since its not our home. All of our stuff is in storage, waiting to be moved in somewhere. We are looking for a place to start renting hopefully by July/ August.
I question myself, Tim, and even God's plan sometimes. I know our house sold crazy fast, I know God has clearly provided for Tim to go to school full time, I know school will be really short and the HVAC industry is booming, and I know we will eventually be out of this phase... but I realized how much I hate being dependent on anyone but myself. This is kind of dumb, but I keep hearing this Casting Crowns song all the time. It's like annoying how much it comes on but, the other day I actually listened to the words. I love music and it's a huge love language for me. When I heard the words, I couldn't help but to feel comforted, encouraged, and like the Lord really is with us and really is going to bring us through this stronger. He really does hear me and just because life isn't going how I want it to right now, doesn't mean God has left me. Some of the lyrics say this, exactly how I feel.
I was sure by now, God you would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen, and it's still raining. As the thunder rolls, I barely hear you whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you."
As your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for you are who you are, no matter where i am
and every tear I cry, you hold in your hands
You never left my side, and though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this Storm.
I refuse to be a believer, wife, and mother that is only happy when life is happy. I want to be happy when life sucks. I also want to know that the Lord is still in control and not act like a brat when we don't get what we want. I am really no different than the 3 year old I am trying to raise. I caught myself saying to him yesterday,
"David, you don't throw a fit when you don't get what you want. You need to learn to be okay with the answer 'no' ."
Wow. how ironic. I need to be okay when the answer is no. Lord, I will try my best to praise you in this storm.
Over the week, I want to post some really happy things that have been going on, reminders that even in the storm, God still brings us so much joy. I can't wait.
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